Amateur Hour

The earsplitting BANG that came next to her head brought her to a sitting position in bed, gasping, before her eyes were even open.

“Whathe–” Then, she realized. Exploding head, again. She hadn’t had an episode, in months. No surprise she’d have one, tonight. Hers seemed to be stress related. She told herself this, even as her racing pulse began to slow.

“Damn.” She hoped she’d be able to get back to sleep before her mind had a chance to fill up with more minutiae of the big job before her. All her life, Lisa’s mind and imagination had been her best friends and her worst enemies. Both were overactive and as governable as toddlers.

She started to sink back down, when the second bang, this one more distant and muffled than the first, brought her out of bed, and to her feet. She stood there, for a moment, not knowing what the hell to do. She had no weapons. She was alone, and poking around in the dark seemed like a very bad idea. She hated to call the Sheriff, over what could well be nothing, but she hated the idea of being murdered, too.
She grabbed her phone, from its place atop the box of linens, and as a compromise called the non-emergency number for the Decatur County Sheriff. The man who answered was very reassuring, with his southern accent, and advised her against investigating, on her own.

“Just lock up and stay inside, Ma’am. We’ll get someone out to you, as soon as we can. It shouldn’t take long. Keep your phone at hand, and if you anything else happens before our guys get there, don’t hesitate to call the emergency number, okay?”

“Thank you,” Lisa replied. “I hate sounding like a hysteric, but…”

“No Ma’am, that’s what we’re here for. A real hysteric would have gone straight for the emergency number, over a raccoon knocking over a trash can. But, it sounds like you heard something more than that.”

“Well, something louder, anyway. Thanks, again.”

Even as they disconnected, Lisa was beginning to feel silly. She scrubbed at her face, with her hands, and checked the time, on her phone. Nearly 5 am. This made her feel better. It would be dawn, soon. Not much chance that anyone would hang around, if there was anyone hanging around, once it started to get light, outside.

She decided to plug in the kettle and make some coffee. Over her steaming cup, she pondered the incident. What seemed most likely was that both noises had been the same, in intensity, but her brain had just amplified the first one, as part of a dream, maybe.

The deputy arrived, before she was halfway through her second cup. She invited him in and offered him a cup of instant, which he accepted and drank, while she described what had happened, including her history of exploding head syndrome.
“My Mom used to get that,” he nodded. “I can see why you’d be reluctant to call the cops, but hearing something while you’re awake is different.”

“It was probably a car backfiring, or something,” Lisa shrugged.

“Could have been, but I’ll have a look around and see if there’s any vandalism, or evidence of an intruder. This place has been deserted for a long time, but it’s never been vandalized, oddly enough. There’s no shortage of fools looking for something to tear up wherever you go, unfortunately.”

“Maybe the spooky ambiance keeps them away,” Lisa joked.

The deputy, T. Rawlings, by name, smiled but shook his head. “A place like this is an attractive nuisance,” he said. “Teenagers love to party in an old churchyard, and play at Satanism and witchcraft.”

“Seems kind of cliché.”

“No, it’s not very original,” Rawlings agreed.

“I wonder why it is so untouched,” Lisa mused. “It reminds me of the Roanoke Island mystery. Only more strange, because this place has been here, for a long time.”

“It… has a tainted history. The church was called St. Brigid’s Episcopal, if you feel like researching it. Otherwise, it’s enough to say that it closed for reasons that made people shun it, for a long time.”

“Perfect. I’m trying to set up a bookstore in a location that people avoid, like the plague.”

“I wouldn’t fret about that, too much. Just because no one wants to worship here, anymore, doesn’t mean they won’t be curious enough to check out your store. If you can hook them, they’ll come back. Human nature is a funny thing.” He drank the last of his coffee and checked his watch. “I’ll step out, and have a look around, now. I’ll let you know what I find out, before I go.”

“Thanks, Deputy Rawlings.”

“You can call me Tuck. Short for Tucker.”

“Okay, Tuck. I’m Lisa,” she smiled, and extended her hand, which he shook before rising and putting on his hat.

She watched him walk off toward the sanctuary, a stocky man, though not fat; he had an air of being stolid and reliable. Not a very forthcoming sort, though. It would have been nice to have learned more about the “tainted history” of her new home. Clearly, there was more to learn. Sure—she’d just do that, in her spare time, she thought. All five minutes a she would have, each day, could be spent in researching the topic.

Lisa figured she’d have just enough time to dress, before Tuck came back, if she hurried. She was right. When he reappeared, she was not only dressed, but had brushed her teeth, washed her face, and combed her hair. Funny what these little things did, to make her feel more confident and normal.

Tuck had shed his jacket, and she could see the outlines of his body armor, under his uniform blouse. He still looked solid, but not as bulky, as at first. He accepted her invitation to come back inside, but declined another cup of coffee. He sat down at the table with her, and handed back the keys she had loaned him.

“Let me guess,” Lisa said, “you found nothing, because there was nothing to find.”

“Zilch,” he smiled. “But that doesn’t mean nothing happened. It just means it didn’t happen on the property, or if it did, it left no trace. Is there any reason anyone would try to scare you, Lisa?”

“Not that I know of. You know I’m not from around here– my accent, or lack thereof, gives that away.”

“It does.”

“I’m from Orlando. I didn’t leave anything behind but family and a few friends. No enemies or outraged exes. Not even any nutty road-ragers, from the trip up here.”

Tuck nodded. “It’s a puzzle, then. I can promise you, nothing’s been disturbed inside the church. It’s under about a half an inch of dust that hasn’t been moved in years. The old Sunday school building isn’t quite as dusty, but there’s no indication that anyone’s been in it, recently.”

“I planned to tackle that, myself. I had the rectory cleaned, since I intended to move straight in, but I figured I could elbow grease my way through the rest of it.”

“You might want to reconsider, when it comes to the church. I saw rat droppings.” He laughed at Lisa’s visible shudder.

“My list just gets longer and longer,” she sighed.

“Don’t lose heart. People get rid of rats, every day.” He plucked a notepad out of his shirt pocket, and a pen. “I know an exterminator. She’s reasonable, and she does a good job.” He fell silent, for a moment, as he wrote and peeled the paper off the pad.

“Kelly Willis. An ex girlfriend?” she joked.

“Ex sister in law, actually. But she really is good. She’s been in business for five years or so. Kelly does all kinds of pest control, but she specializes in mice, rats, that kind of thing. I don’t mind throwing a little business her way, when I can. Check around, of course, but I think you’ll find her rates competitive.”

“Thanks. It’s always nice to know people who know people.” Lisa smiled, and rose, when Tuck did.

“It does help, when you’re new to a town. It’s all about networking.”

“I’m just sorry I got you out here, for nothing.”

“You didn’t. If anything else strange happens, don’t hesitate to call. In the meantime, you might want to think about getting a dog. You’d be surprised how many trespassers and would-be burglars are deterred by a barking dog.”

“The thought has crossed my mind. Maybe I’ll check out the local shelters.”

“There you go. You have a good day, now, Lisa.” He grinned and tugged at the brim of his hat. He walked to his cruiser and turned to wave again, before starting it up and driving off.