Amateur Hour

By the time they hit the edge of town, Gilligan had extracted himself from the seat belt, and enthroned himself in the passenger seat at Lisa’s side.

“Doofus,” she accused him. “I guess you’re not breaking any laws, but try not to go through the windshield, okay?”

The dog tried to curl up in the seat, but failed, being just a smidge too large. He sat back up, and Lisa rolled the window down, for him, about halfway. He gleefully stuck his head through the opening.

“And, don’t try to jump out that window,” she added. He showed no signs of wanting to do so, however. She reached over to give his ears a scratch, and his shoulder a pat. Gil acknowledged her with a glance, then turned his gaze back to the great outdoors flying past him.

Once home, she took him to the edge of the pines, and walked him until he had done all of his business, then led him inside. He was pretty good on a leash, she had to admit. He pulled a little, in his excitement, but didn’t drag her, and he seemed to understand the “heel” command. When released in the house, he turned into a wild brown streak, darting down the hall, then back to her. Then he was off to the small bedroom, and back again. This went on, until he’d had a look at each room, and a huge, messy drink from his new bowl. For the time being, he didn’t seem interested in the food she’d put down.

Lisa sat down on the sofa she’d bought, when she had bought the bed, with a sigh. She felt the contentment of having finished everything she had needed to do, today, with the rest of the afternoon at her disposal. She watched Gil sniff at the dog bed, before he hopped up onto the couch next to her.

She started to tell him to get down, knowing that she should begin as she meant to go on, but he gave her a melting look, and dropped his head onto her lap. She laughed at him, and at herself, as she stroked his head. “You really are a doofus, Gil,” she said. He didn’t care. “You could use a bath, too,” she observed. He didn’t stink, exactly, but he didn’t smell like a daisy, either. Well, she could bathe him, in a while. In the meantime, she had some spray to freshen the furniture. She pondered the logistics of bathing a dog in a shower. The shower head was already on a hose attachment, but she’d have to close the door, if she wanted to keep him confined until she could towel him off. At present, she didn’t feel equal to it. On impulse, she reached for a toy in the bag on the floor. It was a hard rubber chew toy meant to be filled with treats. She broke out a box of small dog biscuits, gave Gil one, then stuffed several into the toy and handed it to him.

He accepted it, eagerly, and jumped off the couch to wrestle with it, on the floor.

“Eureka,” she deadpanned. “Instant dog removal.” Gil ignored her, as he chewed on the toy and worried the biscuits out of it, one after the other. She had been right about one thing; talking to herself felt less awkward in the presence of another living creature.

Wanting a drink, she rose and left her dog to his happy crunching, and carried the bag into the kitchen. She should have put this stuff away, yesterday, but she’d been too tired and stressed. She put the treats in a cupboard, and some of the toys to be held in reserve, on top of the fridge. Then she opened the refrigerator and took out the pitcher of cold water that she kept chilled to be used with her C02 charger. Lisa had nothing against drinking water, in theory, but she had a hard time getting much of it down unless it was doctored. Seltzer was the perfect answer to this conundrum. If this had been city water, even carbon dioxide wouldn’t have made it palatable.

For no particular reason, it suddenly occurred to her to wonder exactly where her well was located. For all intents and purposes, she was living in the middle of a cemetery, after all. This thought gave her a shudder. Surely, the offset for the well was sufficient to compensate for that, right?

It had to be. No health inspector would allow anything else. Nevertheless, her appetite for water was gone. She replaced the water pitcher, and grabbed a bottled iced tea, instead. Ironically, it seemed to have a chlorinated edge, when she took her first sip. Pure imagination, of course.

Getting through to a human being at the County Health Department took about twenty minutes, and she was placed on hold, while the man on the other end searched for her records. He couldn’t give her any indication of where her well was located, in the end, but he did assure her that the offset was well within safety guidelines, and that the well had been inspected, the water tested, and both were up to standards. Lisa thanked him for his help, and ended the call, feeling a little better. She wondered if she should get a water filter for the kitchen sink, anyway. It didn’t seem like that would help much, but it couldn’t hurt, either. Forty bucks or so didn’t seem like a high price for a little peace of mind. She had shelled out a hundred for Gil, who was now flinging the bouncy rubber toy all over the living room.

“But, I’m sure you’ll be a fine watchdog, won’t you?” she asked him. He paused in his play, to look at her, with an inquisitive cock to his head before snuffling after his toy again. Lisa watched him, for a few minutes. “Hey, you–” she said, at last, “Want to go for a little hike?”

His wagging tail suggested that Gil was up for it, so Lisa snapped his harness and leash on him, once again, and they headed out toward the pines. Some of the pine woods were hers; the property line was located about an acre in, at the back of the property, and a half acre in, on the left side. Lisa decided to follow the tree line, for their walk.

It was a pretty afternoon. The breeze was low and intermittent. The long sleeves of her flannel over-shirt were sufficient to keep her warm, even in the shade of the tall trees. The gravel of the old drive crunched under the soles of her sneakers, with the occasional small rock, just to keep things interesting. Lisa was interested in rocks. They were all imported, in her part of Florida. To see them in the wild was kind of trippy, in her opinion, and Georgia had a bounty of them. Her part of Florida was also flatter than a fritter, and walking around in Georgia was a bit disorienting, truth be told, with the slight roll of the terrain.

Halfway down the treeline, Lisa stopped and unsnapped Gil’s leash. The Lab bounded off, into the woods, but returned to her before she could worry. They continued in this way, to the back of the property. To Lisa, it all seemed to be uphill, and she was puffing a bit, when they reached the back corner. It was astonishing, how out of shape she was. Thirty-five years of sitting to do her job hadn’t done her any favors.

Partway down the back side, Lisa spied the trail, leading off into the woods. It wasn’t a deer track, but a path wide enough to accommodate a vehicle. “Aha!” she said, pretty sure of what she would find, if she took it. “Gillie!” she called. She could hear him crashing his way toward her in the underbrush, sounding like a buffalo. He fell in beside her, and they walked up the path, together. Sure enough, there was the pump and well, about fifty yards in. “Good grief!” she exclaimed, imagining all the underground pipe that would have had to have been laid, to convey the water from this point, to her house. The machinery wasn’t brand new, but it looked like it was in good shape. “Well, that’s one mystery solved, Buddy,” she said, to Gil. He looked at her with an expression that said he had known it all along. “Give me a break—you just got here,” she scoffed.

Gil didn’t argue, but he trotted ahead of her, on the way back to the more civilized ground of the churchyard. She caught up with him, when he stopped to water a tree, at the front end of the trail.

The interments at this end of the yard were the oldest, and Lisa took care to steer clear of them. She did have her phone, but it would be beyond ridiculous to have to call someone to help her out of a caved-in grave. Something off to her left caught her eye. It appeared to be a marker of some kind, but it was separated from the tombstones on her right, by the gravel path she was on. The pine needles underfoot were slippery, threatening to face plant her, but she was curious. As she got closer, she saw that it was, indeed, a grave marker. When she was close enough to read the inscription, deeply carved and sloppy, she made out the words: “Just some damned Yankees”.

The intentional malice was plain, even to Lisa. These were undoubtedly the three Union soldiers who had burned the second iteration of the church; the date on the stone confirmed that, well enough. Names and regiments unknown, the three had been dumped into unconsecrated ground. Probably without coffins, if this stone was any clue as to the feelings behind the burial. Despite the sun on her back, Lisa was suddenly ice cold, and she jumped, when Gil thrust his nose into her hand.

There were no good feelings here. She had to wonder about the rector who had allowed this. Had he allowed it, or had he encouraged it? The stone was old and rough probably a composite of flint and limestone. Clearly, it was never cut, in any way. It was just as likely to have been there since Moses was a baby, its presence dictating the spot of burial, not the other way around—the burial site indicating where a marker was to be placed.

“Bad vibes,” Lisa said aloud. But, it was more than that. In her mind’s eye, she could picture pebbles, dirt and pine needles falling onto uncovered faces. Sooty faces, streaked with lines of sweat. Had their mouths still been agape, from gasping for air?

She shuddered, and hurried away from the spot, knowing she was carrying it with her.

Kelly Willis turned out to be something of a surprise. She arrived on Tuesday morning, in her big, green Ford truck which had been fitted out with utility boxes and a rack over the bed containing three extension ladders of varying sizes. Lisa was hardly prepared for the tiny, energetic woman who hopped out. She had expected a man, an employee of a company owned by a woman. But, no—this was Kelly Willis, herself, a blonde woman, in her late thirties, with a tomboyish air.

She introduced herself to Lisa, handed her a card, and declined coffee or any other refreshment.

“Later, for sure,” Kelly smiled. “First, I’d like to get a look at your infestation, and formulate a battle plan.”

“What do you need for me to do?” Lisa asked, as they walked toward the church.

“Not a thing, ma’am. I don’t object to company, though, and I know you’ll have questions.”

“So many questions,” Lisa agreed, with a short laugh. “Please, call me Lisa.”

“Will do, Lisa. What’s your first question?” Kelly replied, as they entered the building.

“Should I turn on the lights? That’s not the question, though.”

Kelly shrugged. “You can, if you want. It might scare a few of them into hiding, but I don’t have to see them to estimate how many there are, or where they’re holed up. But, I have my flashlight, too.”

“I think I will, then. I don’t want to be a victim of my own clumsiness.” Lisa found the four-switch wall plate, and flicked all of them on. The light was not as bright as she had hoped, but it was better than nothing. Glancing up, she saw that this was because half the lights weren’t working.

“They’ve probably chewed through some of your wires,” Kelly said, tracking Lisa’s gaze. “Wouldn’t be too surprised to find some of them fried and mummified.”

“In the walls?” Lisa asked, with a face of distaste.

“More than likely,” Kelly nodded. “Those are the least of your problem, though. Dead rats eat nothing and bear no young.”

“True,” she acknowledged, and followed the exterminator down the main aisle. “I guess my first question is: why are they still here? Any actual food was long eaten up.”

“Well, they have very good shelter, here. And, rats can digest as food things that most creatures can’t. I imagine this place is full of paper, for example. You can see where they’ve been nibbling the corners of the books, and the upholstery on the kneelers is shot to hell. See the holes in the carpet?” Kelly shined her flashlight on a few to show Lisa what she meant. “And, I’ll bet they’ve eaten every candle in the place.”

When they got to the place where the altar stood on the podium, Lisa saw something that hadn’t been there, when she was last inside. It was the corpse of a rat, and it had been partially eaten.

“Ugh,” she said, pointing to it.

“Yep—that’s pretty gross, but it’s not a bad sign, actually. It means they’re low on food, and starting to eat each other, in extremis. Means they’ll be pretty enthusiastic about baits. That’s a good thing. They’re most likely brown Norway rats. Not as smart or as cautious as black rats. But that also means they can be more likely to bite, given a chance. Hunger always works to your advantage, when dealing with rodents. They’re all about eating and reproducing.”

“Tuck didn’t exaggerate. You do know a lot about them.”

“I know enough, to help me get rid of them,” Kelly turned to smile, before continuing to follow some path that was obvious, only to her. “They’re fascinating, as animals go. And they do serve a purpose, ecologically speaking, as scavengers. You don’t want them in your home, though, and you have to draw a line. If they’re in, you have to get them out. And, if they’re out, you have to keep them out. You’d be surprised at how little space they need, to get in. I’ll be inspecting the outside of the church, too, to figure out how they’re getting inside.”

“The roof leaks, probably in more than one place,” Lisa volunteered.

“That could be a factor,” Kelly allowed. “Most of them probably found their way in from a point closer to the ground. I didn’t see any low hanging limbs over the roof, but the little buggers can climb, so I wouldn’t write off the possibility.”

The exterminator opened the door to the vestment room. “Whew! You can really smell them, in here,” she said. The overhead light in here didn’t work, so she employed her flashlight once more.

“I know. One ran right across my foot, the other day.”

“Yeah, some of them aren’t very timid. They pose more of a health risk, from urine and feces than they do, from biting, usually, though. Unless they think you’re dead or unconscious, or if you corner them. They do have personalities. Some are nastier tempered than others.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. I had a few as pets, when I was a kid.”

“May I ask, why?” Lisa laughed.

“They’re great pets. Very affectionate, and you can teach them to do all kinds of tricks.”

“Please, don’t tell me you intend to use humane traps.”

“Not unless you insist on it. It’s an option, but really, the only way to get rid of them, for good, is to kill every last one, and seal the place up so that no more can get in. Pets are pets, but these rats are wild, and I’m a pragmatist. They’ll ruin anything they can, not because they’re inherently evil, but just because they’re rats, bent on ratty business. The good news is that a lot of these droppings are old,” Kelly continued, as the stepped back out into the sanctuary. “That means your infestation may not be as bad as you might have thought. The bad news is that some of that dirt and dust you see is actually rat scat, and you don’t want to be stirring it up and breathing it.”

Lisa nodded her understanding. “I’d rather not go down into the basement, if you don’t mind,” she said, as they headed that way. “I got trapped down there, the last time. The door closed, and the knob is broken, on the other side.”

“How did you get out?”

“I didn’t know what to do, so I called the Sheriff. It was actually Tuck, who came to the rescue.”

Kelly grinned, at this. “Tuck’s a rescuer, right enough. I can go down alone, and you can man the door, if it closes again.”

“Thanks,” Lisa smiled. “The stairs are sound enough, but use the railing on the wall. It’s sturdier.”

“I’ll do that,” Kelly acknowledged.

She returned, a few minutes later. “You have a few down there, but not so many as in the vestment room. Guess they haven’t told the other rats about that stash of paper.”

“You noticed the roaches, too, I imagine.”

“I did. They’re much easier to get rid of. I’ll take care of those, too. I haven’t seen any signs of termites, by the way. Have you noticed anything?”

“I’ve been so obsessed with rats, I haven’t really looked, to be honest.”

“No sweat. When the rats are gone, I’ll inspect more closely for termites. Today, I’ll start putting out baits and traps for the rats and diatomaceous earth, for the roaches. Then, I’ll have a look around for points of entry. I may have to come back, to plug them up, depending on the sizes and how many there are.”

“Sounds good. Now, is it break time?”

“I could use a cup of coffee, and I’d like to wash up a little, if you don’t mind. I’d rather not bring rat filth to your kitchen table.”

“Absolutely. I feel pretty grubby, myself.”

Lisa was both surprised and impressed, when Kelly pulled off her coverall, before entering the house. Underneath it, she was dressed in a pair of jeans and a tank top. “You definitely come prepared,” she observed, as the exterminator draped the outer garment over the porch railing.

“I try. It’s better in the fall and winter, but in the summer, I feel like I’m roasting sometimes.”

“Oh—I forgot to mention my dog. He’s very sweet, but I know some people don’t like them.”

“I love dogs,” Kelly smiled, and followed Lisa inside, after pausing to wipe her feet.

Gil came forward to delicately sniff the hand Kelly offered him. After a moment, he licked it, and allowed her to scratch him behind one ear.

“Well, aren’t you a good boy?” Kelly asked him.

Gilligan wagged his tail, as if to agree that he was a good boy.

Lisa offered Kelly the use of the bathroom, to wash up first, then took her place, when she emerged. When she came back, she found that Kelly had already started the coffee maker.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she said. “All of the stuff was on the counter, or I wouldn’t have started it.”

Lisa might have been put off, had it been any other stranger, but there was something about the other woman’s confidence and forthrightness that inspired trust. Besides, she was right. All of the filters and the coffee were right there.

“It’s a little unusual,” she said, being forthright, as well, “but, no, I don’t mind.”

“Good. It just seemed efficient, but sometimes people see me as being pushy. Maybe I am, at that.”

“I’ll allow it, since you seem to know what you’re doing, overall,” Lisa said, with a smile, as she pulled out two cups. She got the half and half out of the fridge, and brought sugar to the table, as well. “So, what made you go into pest control?” she asked.

“I like to kill things,” Kelly answered so promptly that Lisa did a take.

Kelly burst into a laugh. “Just kidding,” she managed, between giggles. “Seriously– after I divorced, I really needed to find something lucrative to do. Pest control pays decent money, even when you work for someone else, which I did, for a while. I got interested enough in the art and science of it, and I had no exceptional natural talents, otherwise. So, I stuck with it, furthered my education, and went into business, for myself.”

“I’d say your natural talent is practicality,” Lisa ventured.

“It’s my superpower,” Kelly grinned. “I married, straight out of high school, so being on my own was an eye opener. Without practicality, I’d have been sunk.”

“Then, you were married to Tuck’s brother, for some time.”

The coffee maker beeped, and Lisa rose to get the pot.

“I was, and we’re still friends. In fact, he helped me get my business up and running. We just had truly irreconcilable differences, when it came to being married. Thanks,” she added, as Lisa filled her cup.

“Would you like something to snack on, too? I have some pound cake.”

“This is fine, thanks. I had a big breakfast, and it’s not lunch time, yet.”

“You don’t mind if I…”

“Goodness, no. It’s your house.”

“So, did you grow up, in the area?” Lisa asked, sitting down with her slice of pound cake, and pouring her own coffee.

“Yes, but I never attended the church,” Kelly replied, seeing through Lisa’s line of inquiry, before she could even warm to the topic. “My people are Baptists,” she added, softening the blow. Besides, the place closed, before my time.”

“Sorry,” Lisa said, blushing a little at having been so neatly caught out.

“No, don’t be. I’d want to know about it, too, if it were my place. All I do know are the rumors. I’m reluctant to share those, since rumors are all they are.”

“Not all. The story about the Union soldiers burning the second church seems to be true.”

“Oh, that one’s definitely true. The grave is out back.”

“I know. I found it, yesterday.”

“Civil war history isn’t pretty. No war histories are pretty.”

“What about the killing, in this house?” Lisa asked, taking a shot in the dark.

“That was horrendous, for sure,” Kelly replied. “But it’s hard to pin the details down. It seems to have been erased from local history. No one likes it when a clergyman is involved in something unsavory, especially when the clergyman is a woman. But, that leaves only rumor, which can be much worse than the facts.” She took in Lisa’s expression, and her pale color. “And… you had no idea about that story, did you?”

“No,” Lisa admitted, pushing the cake away.

Gil got up from the floor, came to Lisa’s side, and put his head on her knee. She petted him, absently.

“Look, Lisa– as I said, all I know are the rumors. It did happen, but when I was growing up, no one had the real details. There was lots of innuendo, and it was kept alive because this was the spooky old haunted church. They were tales that kids tell each other. There are people around who know what actually happened, and maybe even why, but I’m not one of them.”