Amateur Hour

A light jacket was all she needed, this morning. It was going to be one of those rare warm November days, and she was glad of it.

“You’re running out of rats, my friend,” Kelly greeted her, just inside the narthex. “The big cages are empty, and I only got two small ones in snap traps, this morning. You should be all set to call in the cleaners, by the end of the week.”

“That sounds too good to be true,” Lisa said. “But, I’m going to miss seeing you, Kelly. When all of this silly ghost stuff is wrapped up, you’re going to have to come by, just to visit.”

“Sorry, but I never socialize with clients,” Kelly replied, astonishing her listener. “Joking! Good grief, Lisa—you’re still falling for it!” She laughed and patted Lisa’s arm. “You’ll see plenty of me, especially since you and Tuck are an item, now. Rumor has it, he stayed over, last night.”

“It’s a rumor, already? He did stay, but only because he couldn’t drive after his pain medication.”

“I told him to watch that knee from now on, the first time he sprained it. Oh, Toni called last night, and told me all about it,” she explained, seeing Lisa’s puzzled expression. “She’d really like to see him quit, and go full time into horse farming. He’s a natural at training and caring for horses, and between you and me, I think his temperament is better suited to it, too.”

“Did he train all of the ones he has, now?”

“Every last one, and several before those. You should have seen Tango, when he got him. He was still a colt, all gawky legs, and curiosity. Now, he’s the easiest horse ever, to ride, and friendly, too. He’ll follow Will around the pasture, like a dog, just to see what he’s up to. I think Rocket was about two years old, when Tuck got her. She’s fast, but not fast enough to compete. He got her at auction, taught her some manners, and made a good pleasure horse out of her. Now, Polly—he had to retrain her, completely. She was a dressage horse, believe it or not.”

“I believe it. I’ve seen some of her footwork”, Lisa grinned, remembering Polly’s dancing around Toni and Rocket, in the creek. “So, she had to go from an English to a Western style.”

“She did, and she’s very smart. So is Tuck. He brought her along very slowly and gently, and there’s nothing she won’t do, for him.”

“But Buckshot is his favorite.”

“She looks and acts like a cow pony,” Kelly shrugged. “Too bad Tuck won’t be able to practice his cowboy antics on her, for a while.”

“Cowboy antics?”

“He lives next door to one of the biggest cattlemen in the county. Do you really think he doesn’t saddle up and ride over, when there are calves to round up to be neutered, or steers to be cut from the herd for sale? He jogs right over, on Buckshot—never mind a trailer. He even has keys to all the pasture gates, so he can ride in. You should see him, after one of his adventures. He’s animated, and will talk about it, for a couple of weeks afterward. I really hope he heals up, quickly.”

“So do I. I can’t help but imagine his knee is hurting him worse than he admits.”

“It probably is, but he hates the idea of opioids. I think he’s seen other cops get hooked, after they were given prescriptions for pain relief. Don’t worry too much about it. More than likely, he’ll supplement the pills with over the counter stuff.”

“Lila recommended arnica cream.”

“That’s probably a good idea. I’m all for the naturopathic stuff. It’s one of the few things Mandy and I actively agree on. Though, for the sake of practicality, I’ll pop an aspirin, before I wait on willow bark tea to boil. But, when it comes to topicals, I’m there, for it. Oh, before I forget–” Kelly fished into one of the top pockets of her coverall, and pulled out a couple of business cards. “Here are the names of a couple of cleaners who specialize in hazardous jobs. This guy,” she held up one card, “has a large crew and very good equipment. He charges more, per hour, but he gets the job done faster. This other fella is just starting out. He takes longer, but he’s cheaper. Both are very good and thorough.”

“You don’t recommend one over the other?”

“No,” Kelly shook her head. “They’re both excellent. It all depends on your budget, and whether or not you have time constraints. Plus, there are other firms in town. You asked for my top picks, though.”

“I did, and I’ll trust your judgment.”

“Glad to help. Now, when it comes to roofers and electricians, I’m not so much your best source. Tuck might have more insight. He meets everyone who is anyone.”

“It’s definitely starting to sound that way,” Lisa said. “He’s even met my ghosts.”

“And, you’re wondering if I have, too.”

“Of course. Have you?”

Kelly smiled. “Not really. Sometimes I feel a gust of cold hit me, when I’m in here. I’ve smelled a faint hint of smoke, before, too. Nothing that I’d call dramatic. Once in a while, I state out loud that I’m just here to collect the rats, and whatever it is just goes away. I don’t blame it—rat trapping isn’t very interesting to most observers.”

“I don’t know about that. I’ve enjoyed watching you drag the little miscreants out, day after day. I really do hope we’ll see each other, in the future.”

“You’ll find me at most of Tuck’s bigger family get-togethers. I’m also a big reader, so you’re looking at a future customer. You look surprised.”

“I shouldn’t be, I know. Sometimes the most practical people are the ones who most need the escape of a good book. Let me guess– You like dragons and goofy comedy.”

“Especially goofy comedy about dragons,” Kelly chuckled. “Good guess. I like romantic comedy, too. That’s kind of a secret, though. On book club nights I’m tres grave, for Madame Bovary, and the like.”

“I never liked that book.”

“Nor do I, but we’re covering the classics, this year. The good news is, we’re doing Pride and Prejudice, next. End the year on a high note, you know.”

They talked books for a few more minutes, then Kelly announced that she had to go, which she did, after securing Lisa’s promise to show up for the first Pride and Prejudice meeting of the book club.

When she got back to the house, Lisa found that both dogs had been leashed up, for another walk.

“Spike really needs to go,” Janice explained. “We thought that another outing wouldn’t hurt Gil, either. If you don’t mind, of course.”

“I’m sure it will break his heart and traumatize him, all out of measure,” Lisa said. “In short, have at it.”

“You were gone a while,” Tuck observed, when the others left.

“Yeah—I think I just joined a book club.”

“That small town life will just sneak up on you,” Tuck nodded.

“Kelly also gave me leads on some cleaners.”

“See? Things are moving along. In no time, the sanctuary will be sanitary, and you can dig in, in earnest.”

“It does make me wonder, though– do you think we ought to be having…seances in there, before it’s safe?”

“I think it’s safe enough, in masks. We can put paper down on anything we intend to sit on. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were getting cold feet, Ma’am.”

“Maybe I am,” Lisa admitted. “I don’t like that you can’t move as quickly as usual.”

“I think you’re making too much of something that essentially resorted to throwing a rock, when it was annoyed. Try facing down a drunk Bubba with a broken longneck, sometime. That’s always a crowd pleaser. It’s all about perspective, Lisa. If I ran from every little thing, I wouldn’t be well suited to my job, would I? I don’t think the Judge is much of a threat, to be honest. I believe he did all the damage he was capable of, when he was alive.”

“Maybe… Still, you seem very eager to do this thing.”

“Well, I have to admit to being curious as hell. I’d like to know what, if anything, the old boy has to say for himself. How often do we get to question our distant ancestors, after all? I like your questions, by the way. I hope you have time to get answers for them, before he loses strength to answer.”

By 11:00, they were all assembled in the sanctuary, in the front row, except for Janice, who had chosen to set up her tripod two rows behind the others. Everyone had put down newspaper sheets to sit on, with Lisa seated between the two men.

“Now what?” she asked no one in particular, when they were all settled.

“Damned if I know,” Liam replied, at her right.

“We could do worse than say a prayer,” Tuck suggested. “I mean, in the absence of a trigger object, devotional activity might get a response, and maybe a favorable one, at that. Any objections?” He glanced at each of them, in turn. Seeing only nods of assent and shrugs, he cleared his throat and began to recite the Lord’s prayer. Everyone else took it up, after the initial “Our Father”. Lisa was a little surprised to find her left hand gripped warmly and firmly in Tuck’s right. The sensation was both comforting and sobering. Here was a man who was not going through the motions of prayer, and there was an intimacy about it that was confusing to her more secular mind. At the same time, it was right. He was right; this was not something any of them should take lightly. She felt some concern about the others, Janice in particular.

So, she could barely believe what she was hearing, when Janice broke spontaneously into Amazing Grace, a beat after the prayer ended. Janice had a clear, strong alto voice, as it turned out. Glancing over her shoulder, Lisa noted that the song was being rendered as unironically as Tuck’s prayer had been. Tuck, without a check, joined her in his own baritone. Lisa added her own wavering, unsure soprano, and felt Tuck give her hand a friendly squeeze. They were into the second verse before Liam, with a sigh, inserted his flawed tenor into the mix. Together, they didn’t sound at all like a choir, but they did sound like a tiny congregation.

Lisa shivered. The church hadn’t been warm, to begin with. Sitting here was beginning to chill her. She leaned over to look at Tuck’s thermometer, and was shocked to see the numbers dropping steadily. When she called his attention to it, pointing, she noticed that she could see steam from his breath.

A feeling of absolute dread rose within her, as Janice continued to sing, in the background. Tuck had ceased, frowning down at the thermometer. To her right, Liam began to cough, and she could smell the smoke, too. Panic set in, when Liam gasped, then slumped in his seat. The EMF meter in his slackened grip was a showing readings all over the place; it spiked, fell, spiked, and dwindled to nothing, only to spike again. Liam was oblivious to this. His eyes weren’t completely closed, but they had become slits, and had a vacant, glazed look.

“Liam!” Lisa slapped lightly at his cheeks, unable to think of anything else to do, since he was obviously breathing. “Tuck—he’s–”

“Liam?” Janice’s voice, now, cut off from the midway point of the last verse of the hymn. She came quickly around to her fiance’s right side, even as Tuck rose hastily, and, forgetting his knee injury, fell back onto the pew.

Tuck spat a curse, under his breath, and tried again, with his crutches, managing to drop one of them, just out of his reach.

Without warning, Liam raised a hand and caught Lisa’s wrist in a grasp that wasn’t painful, but was utterly horrible in its alienness. He straightened to look at her with eyes that held barely any trace of himself. His gaze wasn’t unfriendly. In fact, it was mildly amused.

“No need to slap me to death, darlin’,” he drawled, in a cadence that wasn’t like Liam’s more clipped delivery. “And,” he continued, “that kind of language is not appropriate in church, son,” he addressed Tuck, looking past Lisa.

Lisa wrenched her hand angrily away from him. “Not funny, Liam.”

“Now, don’t blame your brother,” the stranger said. “I did kind of elbow my way in, but he’s agreed to let me speak, as long as he can listen in. Seems more than fair, to me.”

“Are—are you Judge Lovejoy?” Janice asked the obvious question, in a small, subdued voice.

“At your service, Ma’am,” he smiled at Janice. “You’re Janice, I believe.”

Janice nodded.

“You have a lovely voice, Janice.”

“I suppose everyone likes Amazing Grace,” she replied. She seemed, to Lisa as if she were both fascinated by this encounter, and also on autopilot.

Lovejoy chuckled. “It was an old song, even in my day,” he said. “Liam says you have a camera of some kind. You can use it, if you like. We may not have much time,” he went on, as Janice went to retrieve the camcorder. “Liam’s willing to host me, for a while, but I don’t want to wear him out.”

“You’re awfully pleasant, for someone who throws statuettes at ladies,” Lisa scoffed. “Come off it, Liam. This is just a waste of time.”

“I am sorry about that,” Lovejoy said, sounding sincere. “I mistook your intentions.”

“If you are Gerald Lovejoy, I don’t think you did. I want you out, Your Honor!”

“Lisa–” Tuck warned, grasping her elbow.

“And I want to be out, believe me,” Lovejoy countered. “I’ve been here for more than a century. It’s very much like being imprisoned in your own house.”

“This isn’t the house you built,” Lisa pointed out.

“I’ll allow it,” the Judge quipped. “However, I did help dig out the basement, and lay the foundation. After all of your reading, do you really not understand how haunting works, Lisa?”

“You died, in the basement.”

“No. I died in my home. I was disposed of, in the church basement.”

“Are you saying that you’re buried in the basement?” Lisa asked. The thought seemed both horrid and unlikely. None of the stonework in the church basement looked like it had been touched since the day it was laid.

“I’m not. Darlin’ you tripped over my grave marker. I’m saying that my remains were placed in the basement, after I was murdered, to make it look like smoke killed me.”

“Was it revenge, for the three Union boys?” Tuck asked.

“I believe it was,” Lovejoy nodded, slowly. “Not the way you’re thinking, though, Grandson. According to Liam, you’re an officer of the law, is that right?”

“I am, sir.”

“Then you’ll understand. I did everything in my power to save all of those boys, not just Jeremiah, though I loved him as I would have a brother of my own.”

“Even though he fought for the Union,” Tuck said, skeptical.

Lovejoy sighed heavily. “My father and I both encouraged Jem and Noah to examine their consciences regularly, and to act accordingly. Jem’s told him that the secession of the South from the Union was wrong. I could never fault him from following his conscience. We understood each other, on that. Noah, though… Noah couldn’t let it go. That boy was a rebel, in every sense of the word, I think. He couldn’t agree with Jeremiah, nor could he even agree to disagree.”

“But, you could,” Lisa challenged.

“It wasn’t a simple matter, for me. It wasn’t a simple matter, for many people. I thought secession was unwise. That said, my home, family, and community were here, and I was sworn to serve them. Before you bring up my oath to the Constitution, I will point out that, in my opinion, the Union itself had violated the Constitution in several ways, with regard to the South. In my opinion—take that for what it’s worth. Which is very little, now.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Lisa allowed, softening a bit.

“Your Honor,” Janice ventured, “are you saying that it was Noah, who called for the lynchings?”

“Ah, a redirect,” Lovejoy smiled, amused. “Sadly, my dear, yes. And public sentiment was with him, though any half rational person wouldn’t hang another for arson, where only property was damaged, or even destroyed. But, rationality was completely gone. A kangaroo court was held, over which I did not preside, though I argued for the so-called defense. Believe it or not, I was pretty persuasive, back in the day, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough,” he repeated, as if to himself. “I’ve seen those boys, the shades of those boys, often, through the years. Liam thinks that if they are decently interred, they will rest at last, is that about right?”

“Yes, sir,” Tuck said.

“I have, or used to have, the information you need. I don’t recall it, but I wrote it all down. I hope it still exists, somewhere.”

“Why are you not in the cemetery, sir?”

“Why, indeed? Some folks must have revenge, even on the dead, I suppose. After the “trial”, I was considered something of a pariah, by some. Later, when tempers had cooled, I was avoided out of guilt and shame, I think. My own shame is that I didn’t do enough. I was too cowardly to use the information that I had, to put those boys to rest.”

“Do you think Noah was responsible for your death?” Lisa asked. Her tone was gentler than it had previously been.

“My dear, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. There’s no point in my knowing. I would simply like to be buried here, with my family. Now that I’ve been heard, I think that will be enough. Liam is getting tired, now. I mustn’t overstay. I suggest you feed him and put him down for a nap.” A small smile played on his face, for just a moment, then, as suddenly as he came, Gerald Lovejoy was gone.

Liam’s body slumped again, but his eyes began to flutter, and in a few seconds, he was sitting upright, stretching and yawning.

“Ugh– It got cold in here,” were his first words. “I didn’t feel it, while the Judge was talking, but now I do. Let’s take this party somewhere warmer,” he suggested.

“You are one crazy brave SOB,” Tuck observed.

“Nah,” Liam grinned. “He just wanted to talk. I feel like I could eat an elephant, though.”

Elephants being in short supply, Liam contented himself with a medium rare ribeye. He applied himself to it, with enthusiasm. It was a few moments before he noticed the unusual silence of his table-mates. He glanced up.

“What? Why are you all looking at me like that?” he demanded, with a puzzled smile.

“You seem awfully nonchalant for someone who was just occupied by a ghost,” Janice said.

“Well, don’t sugarcoat it, Janice,” Lisa scowled.

Liam laughed. “Janice doesn’t handle me with kid gloves, any more than you do, usually. I’m fine, sis. Eat your meat-sickle,” he advised, eyeing her steak-on-a-skewer. “Man, I thought those things went out of style, back in the eighties.”

Tuck tried to stifle a laugh. He was partially successful. Lisa gave him a dirty look.

“I’m not nonchalant,” Liam resumed. “I just haven’t processed the experience, yet. Meanwhile, I need fuel.”

“Well, how do you feel, besides being hungry?” Janice asked.

“Okay, I guess. Maybe a little bit sleepy. You know, I have the feeling that, if I hadn’t insisted on eavesdropping, the opposite would be true. I think I’d feel like I had just taken a nap. I’m glad to be all warmed up again, though. Hosting a ghost is chilly work. So, the question is, as always, ‘what now?’”

“Find the man’s grave, I guess,” Tuck replied. He wasn’t oblivious to the fact that the ladies were still studying Liam for signs of physical or mental breakdown, but someone had to say something.

“I can lead you to that,” Lisa began but Tuck was shaking his head.

“Not where he’s buried, but where he is thought to be interred. The man has a grave, even if he isn’t in it. There’s no way a prominent person such as he was would not have had a funeral, a grave, and a marker– pariah or not. At the very least, we need to know where to place him, in the end.”

“You’re wondering who or what was buried there, instead,” Liam said.

“Exactly. There would have had to have been a coffin. There would have had to have been something to have given it more weight than an empty box.”

“What would you expect to find?” Lisa asked.

“Sandbags, if I’m a realist,” Tuck said. “Quieter than rocks, for weighing down a coffin. But what if the killer was such an opportunist, that he took advantage of the funeral to hide evidence?”

“Do all cops think like criminals?” Janice teased.

“Every last one,” was Tuck’s solemn reply followed up by a wink.

“So, we need to find a cemetery plot map. Good luck with that,” Lisa groused. “Anything like that is probably in one of those books that only an expert should handle, down in the church basement.”

“If we did find one, there would then be the nightmare of legal red tape in exhuming the grave,” Liam noted.

“Well, no– not really,” Tuck said. “To begin with, there’s no exhumation, if there’s no body. It’s just digging a hole.”

“That’s absurd! It would be digging a hole where there’s supposed to be a body– and what if there turns out to be a body, after all?” Lisa flared.

“Am I the only one who finds it a bit creepy that you actually have a backhoe?” Janice put in.

“When you have livestock, they sometimes die, unfortunately,” Tuck said. “A backhoe beats the hell out of trying to bury a goat or a horse with a shovel.” He was trying not to be annoyed by the question. “As for the possibility of there being an actual body present… Well, I don’t think it’s likely.”

“Because a ghost told you so. Well, it might not be the Judge’s body, but what if someone else is there?”

“Who would be there? It’s not likely that anyone could have gone missing in a small community like that one, without someone noticing. I think maybe all of this is starting to get to you, Lisa.”

“And, if it is?”

“Nothing. Chill out. I’m just saying that you might need a day off.” He reached out and gave her hand a light squeeze.

“Maybe I do,” she admitted. “Maybe we all do. I haven’t taken any time at all to just enjoy Liam and Janice being here.”

“We just showed up on your doorstep,” Liam pointed out. “It’s not like we had plans to do anything other than what we’ve been doing. This has been the most interesting vacation I’ve ever had. Janice has had a blast, so far.” He grinned over at his fiance.

“My favorite part, so far, was the thermal image of coffee spilling into your lap,” she said. “I was less crazy about your being hijacked by a ghost, however.”

“Borrowed. Briefly, and with my consent.”

“This time. Who’s to say that it can’t happen again, and without your consent? Kind of like Tucker’s knee– I can’t help but wonder if you’re vulnerable, now.”

They all looked sobered, at this thought. Everyone ate in silence, for a few moments.

“Well, that tears it, then,” Tuck said, at last. “No more Ghostbusters for us, tomorrow. Lisa, you’re to muster the troops at your place in the morning, then bring them out to mine. We’ll eat, drink, hang out, maybe fish a little. I’m sure I can enlist Toni to take anyone who doesn’t want to fish on a trail ride, or something.”

“That’s generous—and sudden,” Lisa said.

“No, not really. I’d been planning to do something since day before yesterday. I figured you wouldn’t mind, since you seemed to enjoy your visit. Besides, though no one has asked, I’m sure Liam and Janice probably can’t stay much longer. People only get so much vacation time.”

“We haven’t been wanting to bring it up,” Janice said. “But you’re right. Ghosts have lousy timing. If only they had waited until Summer break to show up. I’m freer than Liam, but he’s going to turn into a pumpkin, in a couple of days.”

Lisa felt both sorrowful and a little guilty. She didn’t like to admit, even to herself, that she had exploited both of her guests more than a little bit, but it was a fact.

“The bright side is that I can do research, anywhere,” Liam pointed out. “Janice is no slouch in that department, either.”

“I think we’ll miss Janice’s crazy ideas,” Lisa smiled at her future sister in law.

“I promise to share any crazy ideas that may come to mind,” she replied with feigned solemnity. “I’m hard to get rid of, Lisa. Tucker, what shall we bring to this party of yours, honey?”

“Bring your charm, darlin’. Bring your dog, and your jammies, too–just in case it turns into an all-nighter. Beer will be served, and maybe something stronger.” He leaned a little closer to Janice. “I might just have a little bit of moonshine stuck away, somewhere,” he said, sotto voce.

“What? You plan to give us a sobriety test, before we leave, Tuck?” Liam joked, but he looked a little bit nervous.

“Nah. But I’d rather bed down anyone who looks sleepy, than have them drive. Food and the great outdoors alone, can have that effect. I believe in being prepared, is all.”

“Well, it has been a while since I’ve been fishing. Do you go out in a boat, or fish from the bank?”

“Will and I go out in his Jon boat, most of the time. I don’t like tempting any copperheads, that might be in the rocks. They have an ugly way of biting first and asking questions, later. I’ve only seen a few, but I’m sure more have seen me.”

“Well, maybe they’ll consider me an honorary copperhead, and leave us alone,” Liam shrugged.

“That’s why I like to take Will with me. You have that, in common.”