Amateur Hour

Lisa was disappointed when the next morning came off cloudy and chilly. It didn’t look like much of a day for a trail ride. It looked for all the world like it could rain. She hoped Tuck didn’t cherish any delusions of a picnic style luncheon.

Janice looked equally dubious, when she arrived, but Liam’s eyes were fairly twinkling. “What a day for fishing,” he exulted, while they bundled their bags, dogs and finally themselves into Lisa’s SUV. It was a comfortable enough fit, with Janice riding shotgun, though Gil couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be in the back seat with his buddy, Spike, or in the rear with the gear.

“It’s cold and rainy,” Lisa contradicted, entering Tuck’s address into the GPS on her phone. “I’ve only been there twice, and I wasn’t driving,” she explained to Janice, who was giving her a slight questioning look.

“Cold might be a problem, but fish like rainy,” Liam said.

“So does your chronic bronchitis,” Lisa retorted.

“You’re in a mood, this morning,” he observed. “Coffee her, Janice, before she gets downright testy.”

“Why don’t you leave her alone?” Janice suggested. She passed Lisa a tall paper cup. “It’s too early for anyone to be up, let alone so chipper.”

“Janice is pleased with the weather, too,” Liam persisted. “She was up half the night, agonizing at the prospect of trail riding.”

“I like horses,” Janice began, apologetically. “I just don’t want to ride one.”

Lisa patted her arm and started the car. “Then, you don’t have to. I’m sure Toni will be happy to take us around to visit them, and the goats, too.” She offered Janice a reassuring smile, and scowled at her brother, via the rear view mirror.

It was a matter of minutes, to get there, most of them spent in groggy silence except for country tunes played low on the radio. Lisa was relieved, when she managed not to pass the turnoff into the driveway which was conveniently at the bottom of a hill and at the end of a long curve. Just as they pulled up to the front of the house, it began to sprinkle.

They were definitely expected. Will trotted down the front steps to grab two of the bags, while Tuck held the door to usher everyone onto the porch, then into the house.

“No Toni?” Lisa asked, when the initial greetings and introductions were over.

“Toni got a new toy,” Will answered. “We may never see her again.”

“I’m here!” Toni said, looking around a corner. “I’m sorry, but I have to keep stirring.” With that, she vanished again.

“Cream separator,” Will grinned. “She’s been wanting one, forever and it finally arrived, yesterday. She meant to start earlier, but we overslept a little bit. Her ‘goat kitchen’ is back behind the regular kitchen, if you want to have a look.”

Janice, curious about everything, it seemed, looked interested, so Lisa undertook to help her find the room. As she had guessed, it looked like it was all roosters and hens, today. Not being the domestic type, she wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Toni was very nice, and seemed like good company. Ditto, Janice—but, she couldn’t help but feel like she was being dumped by Tuck and her brother. She put a good face on it, though. No doubt the other two women felt the same way.

“I’m so sorry,” Toni said, glancing at them, when they entered her goat kitchen. “I don’t really have such bad manners, but I hate to burn this milk.”

“Don’t apologize,” Janice said immediately. “This looks interesting.”

“Toni, this is Janice, my brother’s fiancee. Janice, Toni–”

The two ladies smiled a bit awkwardly and shook hands, before Toni turned back to gently stir her milk, with a large wooden spoon.

“So, what’s the project?” Janice asked.

“Well, this milk was refrigerated, so I have to bring it back up to temperature, before I can run it through the separator. See, goat’s milk is more homogenous than cow’s milk. It will separate naturally, but it takes longer. The longer it takes, the less fresh the cream tastes.”

“And the separator does it, faster,” Janice concluded.

“Exactly. In minutes, instead of hours. The yield is better, too. I want to make butter, with the cream.”

“How does the separator work?” Lisa asked, becoming more interested.

“Centrifugal force. The cream is lighter than the skim, so they travel in two directions. The cream will end up in that jar, and the skim milk in the bucket. Hit the start button for me, would you, Janice? The milk is almost warmed up.”

Janice found the button and pressed it. The machine whined to life, with an astonishing amount of noise, for a smallish appliance.

“Does it get much louder?” Lisa asked, looking nervous. “Sounds like it’s going to take off.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Toni agreed, grinning. “Not much louder, and it quiets down, when you add the milk.”

The other women watched as Toni gloved up and began to ladle the warmed milk into the bowl atop the separator. When it was about half full, she pulled up on the stopper in the middle, and the whine of the machine began to decrease. In seconds, cream began to flow into the jar, and as advertised, skim milk into the bucket.

“Now, that’s just too neat!” Janice said.

“That’s what you think,” Toni smiled. “It gets messy, when you have to swap cream jars.”

In a few moments, they saw what she meant. Though deft handed, there was still a bit of spillage between one jar and the next, as Toni swapped them out. Having done that, she pulled her huge pot off the stove, and poured the remainder of the milk into the bowl.

“And, that’s how it works,” Toni said, with a satisfied look.

“You can’t possibly drink all of that skim milk, though,” Lisa said. “There’s gallons of it!”

“It can’t be used for soap, either,” Toni agreed. “But, it can be used for cheese, and other things. It can even be used for animal feed, but we don’t keep pigs, or hogs. I do hate waste, so I’ll be using this for cheese, most likely.” She swapped out another jar.

“So, is this cream ready for butter, now?” Janice asked.

“It needs to cool, first. I ran some through, yesterday. I could barely wait to get the machine out of the box and plugged in. Anyway, I have some cream that was refrigerated overnight, ready to go. It’ll keep.”

“Oh,” Janice and Lisa chorused. Both of them were clearly disappointed.

Toni laughed at their expressions, surprised. “It’ll keep until after we’re all fed, and the boys go off on their fishing trip. You really want to make butter, of all things? ‘Cause, I’m not doing it, alone, now.”

“I’m going to give you ladies some coffee, and then I’m going to put breakfast on,” Toni announced, closing the goat kitchen door behind her.

“Of course we’re going to help,” Lisa said.

“There’s not much to do. It’s just eggs, bacon and toast. I’ll do the eggs and bacon. Lisa, you can make the toast, if you want. Janice, if you’d like, you can be in charge of coffee, juice, and setting the table.”

Between them, breakfast was on the table, in no time.

“All loaded up, Dad?” Toni asked Tuck, who was the first man to appear.

“Everything except the edibles. Will and Liam are scouting up extra rain gear. It’s probably going to pour.” The foul weather prediction didn’t seem to be dampening his enthusiasm, one whit.

“Are you sure you can get into and out of a boat, with that?” Lisa nodded toward his immobilized knee.

“I think so. It’s not as if I have to bend it, much. The boat has seats. If Will and Liam hold it steady, it should be a piece of cake.”

“Whatever you say, Tuck,” Lisa smiled, shaking her head.

“Make your plates, now, before it gets cold, Toni urged them, then stepped out into the living room. “William Earl! Come to breakfast!” she bellowed up the stairs.

Before she had made her way back to the table, they could hear Will and Liam thumping their way down.

The men wolfed down their breakfast. Will finished first, and jumped up to begin filling the cooler with ice, beer, soda and other essentials. Tuck rose and disappeared. When he came back, he had a Glock holstered at his hip. He handed another weapon and belt to his son in law.

“Snakes,” he answered Janice’s questioning look.

“They don’t have sense enough to come in out of the rain?”

“Generally,” he smiled. “And it’s coolish, too. But you never know. There may still be juvenile copperheads at this time of the year. It’s always better to be safe. I wish Liam was licensed to carry, but as it is, I think two handguns should be enough.”

“I don’t know which is worse,” Janice said. “The thought of Liam carrying a gun, or the likelihood of copperheads hanging out on the bank.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never had to shoot one. They aren’t particularly aggressive. Will and I have taken out our share of diamondbacks, in and near the barn, but the copperheads will mostly avoid you, when they can.”

Lisa wasn’t much reassured by any of this, as the women waved off the truck and its occupants, from the front porch. She felt her initial grouchiness starting to return. She tried to shake it off, as she and Janice helped Toni clear away the dishes and set the kitchen to rights, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she would rather be at home.

“Is it just me, or is something a little off with Lisa this morning?” Tuck asked Liam, when they were fairly out of the driveway and on the road.

“She’s grumpy,” Liam confirmed, with a short laugh. “Lisa hates early mornings, unless she’s been up all night and is just getting ready to go to bed.”

“I can sympathize,” Will chimed in.

“Maybe we should have offered to bring the ladies with us,” Tuck mused.

This elicited a snort from Liam. “No sense in all of us being miserable. Lisa doesn’t fish. Patience isn’t her long suit. Don’t worry about her. Janice will jolly her out of her mood.”

“We can always turn around, Pa. You can still spend the day with the ladies. Making butter, watching movies, maybe doing each other’s nails…” Will teased.

“Shut up, Will,” Tuck replied with a smile. “You’d better just hope you catch something other than a cold, or Toni’s going to be put out. She dug out the big fryer, for all the fish she expects us to provide.”

They did catch fish, despite the chill in the air, and the rain that sometimes drizzled, and at other times pelted them. Liam was glad of the silicone shoe covers that Will had equipped him with, because the Jon boat was two inches deep in water, by the time they packed it in, for the day. It would have been deeper, if they hadn’t pumped it off, from time to time. Tuck had given him and Will the side-eye and a smirk, as they donned the foot coverings– his own hiking shoes had been waterproofed to the point where they would float by themselves, Liam guessed.

He was just thinking that dry feet were great, but he would be glad of some coffee, too, when the trouble started. Tuck was backing the trailer down the ramp, and Will was standing by to load the boat, as Liam stayed as far out of the way as he could, while being ready to help, if he was needed. His attention was mostly focused on the other men, so it was only dumb luck that made him glance down at the ground, by his feet.

The copperhead was an impressive specimen, and it saw him at the same instant. They both froze.

“Guys!” Liam found his voice, as the snake drew back on itself, yet seemed to grow larger, at the same time. “Little help, here!”

“Don’t move,” Tuck called back.

He must have set the parking brake with one hand and drawn his gun with the other, Liam reflected later. An instant and an eternity passed, before a bullet separated the snake’s head from its body.

Will whooped. “Nice shot, Pa!”

Tuck grunted, satisfied.

Liam managed to hold his bowels and his bladder. Will reached him, first and clapped him on the back, before grabbing the mortal remains, which were still writhing. It was a full three feet long.

“That’s a good couple of hat bands, there,” he laughed.

“Nice, Jethro,” Tuck retorted, gimping his way over. “Well, toss him in the boat, if you just have to have him. You okay, Liam? You’re looking a little pale.” The look he gave Liam was both amused and concerned.

“I need coffee,” Liam answered. “I’m not used to exploding snake heads, before noon.”

Tuck grinned. “There’s plenty in the reserve Thermos. I always tuck a second one away, for after the fishing. You kept your head, and he lost his. Not a bad morning.”

“Does he really mean to make hat bands out of that thing?”

“Oh, yeah. Rural people have some odd hobbies. And, even I have to admit, it’s a nice looking skin. Pretty color.”

Liam affected an exaggerated shudder and they both laughed, as they walked back to the truck.

The butter making process wasn’t what Janice had expected. Of course, she had been anticipating a churn of some sort, so she was surprised when Toni poured the thick cream into a bowl and set it under a freestanding mixer. It was a messy process, at first, with little flecks of cream flying off the whisk, once in a while, but it was efficient. After the butter reached a certain degree of separation, Toni would pause to pour off some of the buttermilk, then resume the process.

Janice was charmed by the part where the butter was actually washed, under running water, before being allowed to drain and dry. Lisa was less charmed, she noted. While her future sister in law wasn’t snappish, she was more aloof than usual, today. This was saying something– Lisa wasn’t exactly quick to warm up, at the best of times. At least, Toni didn’t seem to notice. She was completely occupied with her process, and Janice did her best to keep their hostess engaged, with comments and questions.

“Okay. Break time,” Toni announced, having wrapped a literal butterball into a big swatch of cheesecloth. “I’m hungry. How about you two?”

“I could eat,” Janice agreed.

Lisa offered only a halfhearted shrug, in response.

“Snap out of it,” Janice hissed in her ear, as they followed Toni back toward the kitchen.

“Out of what?” Lisa scowled, though her slight flush told Janice that she knew very well, “what”.

“You’re treading the line between out of sorts and rude.”

“Don’t lecture me.”

“Not a lecture. Just an observation.”

“Something wrong?” Toni had paused at the end of the short hallway. She was watching them, looking slightly amused.

Lisa forced a too-bright smile. “No, nothing. Just a little sisterly disagreement. Come along, dear,” she urged Janice with a venomous glance.

Janice didn’t know whether to be annoyed by the look, or pleased by the “sisterly disagreement” remark, so she compromised by crossing her eyes and sticking her tongue out.

Lisa’s lips twitched.

“Where do you suppose the dogs are?” Lisa asked, as she helped Toni set out bread and cold cuts for sandwiches.

“Probably on the porch,” Toni replied.

Janice opened the back door and the screened door. Sure enough, there they were, all three contentedly sharing a wicker couch. “Come on, kids,” she invited. They didn’t need a second invitation to scramble down and trot inside. Janice noticed that the sight of Gil seemed to reassure Lisa. Her demeanor brightened when he greeted her with a passing snuffle at her leg. Could it be that simple? Had Gil become Lisa’s portable comfort zone, when she had to spend any significant time away from home; a de facto emotional support animal? Something told her Lisa would hate that idea.

“What’s going through your so-called mind?” Lisa asked, carrying a tea pitcher to the table.

“Not a thing,” Janice lied, like a trouper. She accepted the insult for what it was– an attempt to restore good humor.

The women sat down then, to do-it-yourself sandwiches and chips.

“So, now that the butter making is done, what else would you be doing, today?” Lisa asked their hostess.

“Oh, we’re not done,” Toni grinned. “We still need to pack it into the molds. That’s where you ladies come in.”

“Okay, but I know you’d be doing something else, if you weren’t babysitting me and Janice,” Lisa insisted.

“On a day like today, not much. The house is reasonably clean. So, until milking time, I guess I’d be reading, working on the family tree, maybe knitting something. It’s nice to have company, for a change. Dad and Will don’t let the rain stop them from being out of doors, but I don’t like to be wet and chilly. One or the other, I can handle, but not both.”

“I hope you do get out, some,” Janice said, before biting into her ham and cheese.

Toni chuckled. “This is one of my at home days. Other evenings I have book club, community theater, and genealogy society. I volunteer at 4H some afternoons… So, yeah– I get out into the world.”

“I wonder if it’s the same book club I’ve been shanghaied into,” Lisa mused.

“It is, if Kelly was the one who shanghaied you. Don’t feel bad. That girl is a one-woman recruiting center,” Toni chuckled. “What about you, Janice? Is your life full of evenings grading papers?”

“No, I’m not a teacher.”

“Sorry. I just guessed that you and Liam…”

“Oh, we did meet at school,” Janice nodded. “But I’m not a teacher, strictly speaking. I’m an educational psychologist.”

She had to admit to herself that she enjoyed the utter shock on Lisa’s face. She was staring at Janice as if she had grown another head.

“So, sometimes I do administer tests, but I don’t teach. Liam and I really did just sort of bump into each other, one day at lunch. I don’t work for the school. I work for the county. Anyway, I’m working on another degree, so I guess Liam and Spike are my only hobbies, right now.”

“Lisa, you look flabbergasted,” Toni observed.

“I am. I had no idea.” She was giving Janice an apologetic look.

“Oh, stop it. It’s no big deal. I’m just a researcher, when you get right down to it.” Her amusement had been replaced with chagrin. She could see and sense a wall going up, on Lisa’s side.

She couldn’t help but wonder what that was about. Liam had warned her that Lisa was an “odd bird”, but he hadn’t elaborated. To avoid a pall on the conversation, she changed the subject.

“So, do you act?” she asked Toni.

Toni laughed. “Only in the musicals. I don’t have a gift for memorizing too many lines, but I’m okay when it comes to song and dance. We’re doing ‘Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’, this season. I’m auditioning for the lead, and I might have a chance– if I can beat out some of the church choir ladies.”

This matter-of-fact statement wrought an involuntary laugh from Lisa.

“No, really– they’re serious competition,” Toni protested, as Lisa continued to chuckle.

“I’m just… trying… trying to wrap my head around a gaggle of… church ladies, lining up to play Miss Mona!” Lisa managed, breathless with mirth.

“That’s the main reason I might have a chance at the part. There won’t be a gaggle of them,” Toni pointed out, with a satisfied air.

“What about the other girls? Who’ll play them?” Janice asked, leaning in, interested.

“Oh, there are plenty of young ladies, to fill those parts. Me, included, if I don’t get Miss Mona. It’s a perfectly wholesome play, but the choir ladies don’t want to wear risque costumes, unless they can play the lead. Well, they may want to, but they wouldn’t,” she finished, with an evil grin.

“I wonder if I’ll ever understand this town,” Lisa sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t know whether it’s an oasis of moral rectitude, or a hotbed of iniquity!”

“It’s a little of both. You’ll get used to it,” Toni shrugged. “We’re sober, playful, stern, humorous people.”

“Do either of you guys mind if we don’t mention that I almost got nailed by a snake?” Liam asked, between bracing sips of coffee, on the ride home.

“Oh, hell no–” Will objected. “It’s the best story, about the whole trip!”

“You’d throw me under the bus, for a story?” Liam laughed.

“In a hot minute,” Tuck grinned, glancing at him. “I plan to drag that snake in and plunk it right down on the kitchen table.”

“What’s left of it, you mean,” Liam snorted.

“Now, what are you implying? I only took about three inches off it! Don’t fret,” Tuck sobered. “We’ll downplay the danger, for Lisa and Janice. As for Toni, she’ll know I wouldn’t have shot it, if it hadn’t been necessary, but she’ll keep that to herself.”

“But, you get to help me clean the fish,” Will added.

“Not if you have a decent filleting knife,” Liam said. “If you do, I’ll see to them all, myself.” He was grateful to his father, in that moment, for teaching him the most efficient way to prepare a fresh catch for cooking. He only hoped he hadn’t lost the knack for it.

“Deal!” Will said, enthused. “I’ll scale, if you fillet.”

“And I’ll skin the snake,” Tuck offered. “We still have the borax and stuff in the shed, don’t we, Will?”

“Yep. Might have to borrow some of Toni’s glycerin, though.”

“You really do mean to process that skin, don’t you?” Liam marveled.

“Of course,” Tuck replied. “It would be a sin, to waste it.”

“Wish I could watch.”

“You can. I probably won’t be anywhere near finished with it, before you guys are done with the fish. Just come on back by the tool shed, when you’re through.”

With three sets of hands employed, it took little time to press the butter into Toni’s silicone molds. Lisa turned out to be very good at this. She was certainly more efficient and less messy than Janice, who embraced the task, but had a tendency to drop things. The whole thing took only a few minutes, then they adjourned for a game of UNO.

All three of them turned out to be equally predatory players, and the game was hilarious. Lisa was devious, and had an unmatched poker face. Toni would feign disgust with her hand, then drop a “draw” card, with a wicked wink on the next player. Janice changed suits, whenever she could, at random, and reveled in every “reverse” card that came her way. In the end, Toni was the winner, so she got to choose the movie.

Janice expected ‘Best Little Whorehouse’, but what they got was ‘Cats’. She and Toni sang along loudly and well. Lisa didn’t sing, but she did move her lips, covertly. She knew every word, though, Janice noticed, and she laughed like she might fall off the couch, when Janice and Toni did the Mccavity number, complete with dance moves. Three quarters of the way through the song, it struck her that Lisa was a tad too amused, and she glanced toward the front door to see the male contingent of the party, desperately choking back guffaws.

She faltered, for a second, then following Toni’s lead, leaned into the number, for the big finish. Liam’s appreciative gaze and applause was worth it, though he did still look amused.