Amateur Hour

Tuck sat on a tall stool at a worktable just outside the shed, and out of view of the house. He had lined the table with newspaper, and the tools he would need for the job. He was halfway through his incision along the copperhead’s belly, when a female voice interrupted his hand.

“Good Lord!” Lisa exclaimed, from behind him. “What the hell is that?”

“A snake,” Tuck replied, stating the obvious. “A copperhead, to be exact. Is that for me?” he nodded toward an unopened beer bottle in her right hand. The other, in her left was open.

“Yeah.” Lisa approached, with a look of disgust, on her face, for the reptile on the table. She set her own drink down, at a healthy distance from the snake and, seeing that his hands were smeared with a hint of snake blood, twisted the cap on the other bottle and handed it to him.

Tuck chuckled at her expression and took a swig. “It can’t hurt you, Lisa. It’s been dead for an hour.”

“It tried to bite one of you, or you wouldn’t have killed it.”

“That’s right.”

“And now you’re…skinning it?”

“Well, yeah.” He set his knife aside, and rolled the snake over. “See what a pretty color and pattern it has?”

“I suppose…” She was still skeptical, he could see. “Please tell me you don’t intend to eat it, as well.”

“Nope. I’ve had snake meat, and I don’t particularly care for it. I’d have to be starved for protein, before I’d eat it, again. This guy was coiled up, and about to sink his fangs into your brother. I took its head off, with my nine.”

“And, to celebrate, you’re going to take its skin off, too?” She was frowning and smiling, at the same time.

“Partly. But partly it’s to honor the snake, too. It was dangerous, but it was beautiful. As you said, yourself—I wouldn’t have killed it, if it hadn’t been necessary. Copperhead bites are rarely fatal, but they’re very nasty.”

“Well, I guess I can’t fault you for it. And the hide is very pretty.”

To Tuck’s surprise, Lisa drew up a stool and sat down by him, but far enough away to give him ample room. She sipped at her own beer, and indicated the snake, with a nod. Tuck took another sip, too, rolled the reptile over, and picked up the knife again.

“You ladies were having a good time, when we showed up,” he observed, as he resumed his incision.

“We were,” she agreed. “Toni’s a great hostess. She and Janet really hit it off. They both do love to sing,” she added, with a chuckle.

“And dance, too,” Tuck grinned. “I’m glad you had some fun. You didn’t seem too…happy, this morning.”

“No,” she admitted. “I guess I’m just impatient, with everything. I don’t know when, or even if I can make a go of a life, here.”

“Oh, I think you can. Depends on how much you want it, I guess. You could always sell off the property and find a nice home in town, you know.”

“No. Say I broke even on the investment, and I don’t think I would, what would I do with myself, then?”

“Maybe create another business?”

“Sure. I’ll just borrow Janice’s ghost busting equipment, and set up shop!” she retorted.

The thought struck them both as funny, at the same time, and they snickered together.

“No,” Lisa said, as the laughter tapered off. “I just really want my bookstore. I know it’s silly to be so stuck on an idea, but I can’t seem to help it.”

“It’s not silly, at all. I’ve heard a good bit about your vision, as you’ve related it to other folks. Oh, yeah—word gets around,” he said, glancing up to see her surprise. “I think it would be very popular. Kelly is already wondering if you’ll let her hold book club meetings there, according to Toni.”

“Well, Toni can tell Kelly, if I don’t see her first, that I would be tickled to death.”

“I see the jig is up,” Liam said, nearly at his sister’s elbow.

“Hi there, Snake Bait,” Lisa greeted him, saluting with her bottle.

“More like Fish Fingers,” Liam returned the salute by wiping his hands on the back of her shirt.

“Eww! You’re so disgusting!”

“Oh, I washed my hands,” he laughed. “Is it time to peel him?” he asked Tuck.

“It is,” Tuck nodded.

“Yeah… I think I hear Toni calling me, to help in the kitchen.” Lisa said, making a face. “Have a seat, Liam.” She swung off the stool and offered it to her brother.

“Oh, come on, Lis– It’s not like you’ve never pulled the skin off a chicken breast.”

“It’s not much different,” Tuck agreed, as he began to ease the hide away from the snake’s body, with short, deft strokes of his knife.

“Thanks, but I’d rather change the channel,” Lisa shuddered. “I’ll leave you to it.” She turned and walked off, forgetting her beer, which Liam didn’t hesitate to glom up.

“She totally would have stayed, if I hadn’t shown up,” Liam snickered, when she was out of earshot.

It was on the tip of Tuck’s tongue to ask why he had, then, but just in time, he remembered his manners. Still, Liam correctly interpreted the glance Tuck shot him.

“Sorry,” he said. “Did I interrupt anything important?”

“No.” Tuck tried not to sigh, but there must have been a hint of one.

“Sorry about that, too, then. It’s been a long time since Lisa’s liked anyone as much as she likes you, if that’s any comfort. Her taste has improved, I’ll give her that.”

Tuck grunted. “You didn’t like her ex?”

“No. I didn’t like the ex before that ex, either. Or the one before that, or her high school sweetheart. I know how that sounds. Domineering, jealous big brother, and all that.”

Tuck found himself listening with his cop senses. People often told on themselves, in unguarded moments. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve never had a twin sister.”

“Lisa’s headstrong. I found out very early on, in life, that the one way to get her to do something I didn’t like, was to tell her I didn’t like it. I tried to go easy on the ‘I don’t like him’, when it came to her boyfriends. Mostly, that worked out okay. Lisa’s not stupid. She generally knows when to cut her losses, in relationships. But, the last guy… Let’s just say that he was a piece of work. Even I didn’t see him coming, at first. There was always a hint of poison, in his charm. Hell, I didn’t notice it, at the time; didn’t see it, except in hindsight.”

Tuck glanced at Liam, without moving his head. Liam wasn’t even looking at him. He was scowling at the snake, but actually looking through it.

“He took her prisoner, little by little. Isolated her, from her friends. Then, from her family. After a while, it was just the two of them, in a bubble that she couldn’t escape, and that no one else could enter. He got into her head, and gaslighted her about every single soul she knew. Except for one.”

“You.”

Liam just nodded, then took a long pull on his beer. “That’s not to say he didn’t try. It just didn’t take. To be fair to Lisa, it really wasn’t a complete success with regard to our parents either. Partial, to be sure, but not complete. But, the worst of all of it was the way he made her doubt herself. It took years, to undo. Anyway… She didn’t trust easily, after that.”

“And, you?”

“Let’s just say that I’m not ‘hands off ‘, anymore. If I see something now that’s not quite right, I’ll open my mouth,” he shrugged.

“Seen anything, yet?”

“What I’ve seen is that you’ve been encouraging her to make new friends and acquaintances. She’s told me and Janice a lot about the people she’s met here, so far. I’ve seen that you don’t seem to be trying to get too friendly, too fast. So far, you’ll do.”

“Hmm…” Tuck acknowledged the conditional acceptance. “You want to hold him, or peel him?” He indicated the snake, with a nod, as he folded away his knife blade.

“I’ll hold; you peel, since I’ve never done either. This will be a fun story to tell my class, next week,” he added with a snort.

“Would you, really?”

“Nah,” Liam smiled. “They’re only ten and eleven year-olds. They may get a word about watching where you walk in the woods or on river banks, though.”

“You did okay. You didn’t panic, or make any sudden moves.”

“My fight or flight response hadn’t kicked in, yet, or I would have left my shoes behind.”

Janice knew a phenomenal recipe for hush puppies, because, of course she did, and Toni presided over the fish. This left Lisa with the task of baking the potatoes, and setting the table.

“Should I put out the regular butter or the goat butter?” Lisa asked Toni.

“Both. Dad doesn’t care for the goat butter. It’s kind of an acquired taste. He likes the cheese, but not the butter; go figure. As long as he doesn’t show up reeking of snake, that’s all I ask.”

Lisa had filled them in on the festivities taking place out behind the shed, but had left the part out about Liam being the one who had nearly been bitten, for Janice’s sake. She’d said only that it had gotten a little too close to the fishermen for comfort. Will had been close enough to hear, and hadn’t contradicted the story. He’d even given her a conspiratorial wink, in passing.

She fell to washing up anything that could be washed, once the chefs were finished, and wondering how many rats had been disposed of, today. Hopefully, enough to finally call in the cleaners, and someone to haul away the ruined pews. A few could be saved, stripped of their upholstery and restored for use as mini benches, she thought. Most of them were so filthy they would have to go, however. But, how many bench seats could she need, in a bookstore? Better to replace them with armchairs and tables with ladder-back chairs.

She was just pondering whether or not she should buy matching sets, which might be discounted as a large lot, or scour the area for mismatched chairs and whether charmingly mismatched chairs would be trying too hard, when Tuck’s big hands settled on her shoulders, and he placed a light kiss on the nape of her neck. She jumped, then laughed.

Without turning, she brandished a large mixing spoon she had just fished out of the suds.

“Careful, Deputy. I know how to use this,” she said. She noted that he did not reek of snake, but of fresh soap.

“Me, too. Rinse it off, and I’ll prove it.”

Lisa did, and he dried it off. She watched him while she washed up the few remaining odds and ends in the sink, as he pulled the ingredients for tartar sauce out of the fridge, and off the spice rack.

“I’m famous for this sauce,” he bragged, as she looked on. I got the recipe–”

“Off a box of Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks,” Toni interrupted, rudely.

“Sharper than a serpent’s tooth…” he muttered. “My version is much better, because I use–”

“Salad dressing, instead of mayo,” Toni chorused, with him. “Honestly, Dad.”

“You see how I’m appreciated, around here?” He nudged Lisa aside, gently, and washed his own spoon, then pulled the drain plug. “We quit, Toni.”

“Fine, Dad. Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Okay. Come along, Lisa.”

“I’m on potato duty.”

“I’ll get them,” Janice said. “This is the last batch of puppies.”

Tuck snagged one, in passing, and split it with Lisa. “Oh, that’s good, darlin’,” he winked at Janice, even as he chewed it.

Lisa popped her half, into her mouth. They were better than good. She followed Tuck out onto the porch, grateful for the cool air, after the warm kitchen. Gil tagged along after Lisa, and collapsed unceremoniously on her right foot, when she and Tuck sat down on the sofa.

“You menace,” she accused him, leaning down to scratch behind his ears. She straightened, and leaned against wicker back, as Tuck took possession of her left hand, and rested it in his, on his leg. They sat like this, for a couple of minutes.

The rain had stopped, and the clouds were beginning to break up. The sunset was likely to be pretty, Lisa thought, as she breathed in the scent of the wet earth and grass. Out in the pasture one of the horses snorted. Off in another direction, the goats began to get noisy. It would probably be milking time, soon.

“I believe your brother has given me leave to court you,” Tuck announced, out of the blue.

Lisa was so astonished, she didn’t know whether to laugh or to take him seriously.

“Has he, indeed? I wasn’t aware that any permission was his, to give!” she laughed, incredulous.

“Now, I didn’t say ‘permission’. I’m implying, as he did, that he doesn’t object.”

“In other words, you’re inferring that he’s implying that he doesn’t object.”

“Exactly,” Tuck nodded.

She fixed him with a stare, and arched an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t it be my ‘leave’ that you should be asking?”

“I thought that was what I was doing.” His face was serious, but his eyes were merry and impudent.

“Oh.” Unaccountably, she blushed. He was as romantic as he was ridiculous, she thought. She wanted to shake herself. He had a way of making her feel like a fifteen year-old, sometimes.

“Is that all you’re going to say?” he demanded.

“That’s it,” she replied.

He squeezed her hand, lightly. “Okay,” he sighed.

A glance told her that he looked more amused than discouraged, however he might sound. She returned the pressure of his hand, though, and they sat in silence until Janice stuck her head out to summon them to the table.

When Lisa and her passengers pulled into the driveway, the next morning, she saw a white, letter sized envelope taped to her front door. She knew who it was from, before she opened it.

“You can call in the cleaners, any time you’re ready,” the note inside read. “Traps were all empty, this morning. I re-baited, just in case, but I think you’re good to go. Talk to you, soon!

—Kelly”

“Good news?” Janice asked.

“Very,” Lisa said, passing her the note, before unlocking the door. The dogs pushed in, ahead of the women. Liam had carried his and Janice’s bags to his car. Janice, very much at home, wherever she went, made a beeline for the stove and the coffee pot, to get it started. Lisa topped off the dog dishes.

The women fell into desultory conversation, and it was a full twenty minutes before they noticed that Liam hadn’t come back from a two minute errand. Janice poked her head out the front door.

“The car’s gone,” she reported. “Now, where could he have gone off to? We just ate, so I know he’s not on a donut run.”

“Did he need gas?”

“I don’t think so. And, why would he just up and decide to get it, now?”

Lisa grinned. “Don’t look at me—I don’t know how his mind works. That’s your job, now.” The fact that the car was missing actually reassured her. Liam hadn’t been abducted by aliens; he had simply flitted off on some errand or other. Though, she had to admit, flitting wasn’t exactly Liam’s style.

“Huh… I wonder why he didn’t say something, though.” Janice resumed her seat, on the sofa, frowning slightly.

“He’s fine. There’s a noticeable shortage of kidnappers, in these parts.”

“You’re right. It’s just unusual.”

“Call him, if you’re worried.”

“If he doesn’t show up in ten minutes or so, I will. So… are you going to call in a cleaning crew?”

“I suppose so. Would you go with the better equipment and faster crew who are more expensive, or the smaller less expensive outfit, if you were me?”

“The smaller one,” Janice answered with surprising promptness. “You’re not in any particular hurry, right? It’s not like the cleaning is the main thing holding you up. While it’s going on, you can be thinking about getting inventory, furnishings, lining up a contractor to look at the floor damage to the podium, a roofer…”

“Okay, okay,” Lisa laughed. “I’m sold.”

“Besides, you’ll be helping the smaller guy become more competitive.”

“Maybe I should hire you, as a business consultant.”

“It’s an outsider’s perspective, is all,” Janice shrugged.

“What?” she asked, when Lisa appeared to be studying her.

“I’m wondering why you do that.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend to be less practical than you are. Are you trying to cultivate an aura of being nonthreatening?”

“Lil’ ol’ me? What ever are you implying?” Janice joked, batting her eyes, and exaggerating her accent. “I’m not a clinical psychologist, Lisa. I don’t have to cultivate any kind of…persona. I collect and compile data. I analyze data from a psychological perspective—not people. Why are you so suspicious?”

“Why are you so defensive?” Lisa countered.

“Why did you not go into psychology?” Janice demanded, amused.

“I’ve had my fill of psychology, thanks. I’ll stick to books.”

Before Janice could reply, the front door opened, and Liam stepped in, grinning from ear to ear.

“I found it!” he exclaimed. “I found Lovejoy’s grave.”

“That’s where you went—around back,” Lisa said.

“To the old section of the cemetery,” Liam confirmed. He made for the kitchen, and the coffee pot, pausing just long enough to press a cold hand to Janice’s neck, causing her to squeal, and slap at him.

“We were worried!” Janice accused him.

“I wasn’t,” Lisa called, in his direction. “I was liking my odds of being an only child.”

“As if!” Liam retorted.

They could hear him opening cupboards and the drawer where the spoons were kept.

“Everyone else manages to share the same spoon, Liam,” Lisa said.

“Yeah, well—I’m special. And a hero, today.”

Lisa made an almost inaudible ‘pfft’ sound.

“I heard that,” he said.

In a moment, he returned with his own cup of steaming brew.

“It wasn’t hard to find,” he said, sitting down. “And, the ground around it looks solid enough. All the nearby markers are upright, and nothing looks sunken in. We should call Tuck, and have him bring his backhoe.”

“Whoa! Slow your roll, as the kids say. We still need permits,” Lisa cautioned.

“Why, for heaven’s sake? We know he’s not buried there.

We know he’s supposed to be there, and that we intend to put him there. We’ll have to dig a hole, before we can do that, right?”

It was hard to argue with the logic. The trouble was, the law wasn’t always logical.

“We’ll have to call Tucker anyway,” Janice said. “Let’s see what he has to say about it.”

“Doesn’t Tuck deserve a day or two off?” Lisa frowned. “I’m not calling him.”

“Then, I will,” Liam said. “In a couple of days, Janice and I will be back home, and with his leg in the shape it’s in, Tuck is going to need some extra manpower, even if Will decides to lend a hand. It’s not like you can bring in outsiders, after all,” he pointed out.

“Fine,” Lisa grated. “You pester him, then.”

“Fine. I will.” Liam rose and stalked outside, with his phone. He refrained from slamming the door, in his irritation, but something about his movement implied the slam, nonetheless.

“For what it’s worth,” Janice said, “I see your point.”

“Stow it, Janice,” she snapped.

“Listen– Your brother loves you. He wants to help you solve this mess that you didn’t make. He takes it personally that you seem to be under assault, through no fault of your own.”

“It’s my problem, not his.”

“That doesn’t matter, to him. He thinks he failed you, in the past.”

“My past is my past!”

“You’re not an island, Lisa. Stop trying to be one.”

Janice was good and pissed off, Lisa saw. It tempered her own ire, a little.

“Liam had no right to–”

“Didn’t he? He’s not an island either. I don’t think you have any idea how terrible he feels about almost losing you. You can’t think he wouldn’t tell me about it.”

“First of all, you’re being dramatic. I’m still here. Secondly, my bad choices aren’t Liam’s fault, or his responsibility. I’ve told him that.”

“I know you have. Now, you need to stop blaming yourself, too. When you don’t let him help you, he reads that as your not trusting him. That’s not what you mean, but that’s his perception.”

“His delusion.”

“Call it that, if you want, but don’t dismiss it. Please?”

“It’s not just Liam. It’s Tuck, too. Any more of this crap, and he’s going to be fatigued.”

Janice grinned. “I don’t think so. Tuck has limits, I’m sure, but I don’t think you’re even close to them. He’s a cop. He likes mystery and investigation. I’d bet he’s dying to know what, if anything, is buried in his great great grandfather’s grave, since it’s not his great great grandfather.”

Lisa had to admit to herself that this made sense. Tuck did have a stake in this thing, too.

Will returned, then.

“He’s on his way,” he glared at Lisa.

“How hard did you twist his arm?” she asked.

Liam lost a beat, as it dawned on him what her concern was. The defiance went out of his face.

“He sounded happy to come. He was very glad that the grave had been located, so easily. Said he’d been afraid that it might take weeks to find a plot map, of any kind, buried in a book that was too fragile to handle.”

“It might have,” Lisa agreed. “You did a good job, Brother Liam. Now, go to the store and get some stuff for sandwiches. We need to have something to offer him and Will, for lunch, later.”

“Okay. Bread, too?” he asked, looking cheered. Equilibrium had been restored, evidently.

“Please. I’m nearly out.” She took her wallet out of her bag and handed him some cash.

Liam accepted it for the olive branch it was, and tucked it into the top pocket of his shirt. “Back in a few,” he said, heading for the door.

“Well, done,” Janice said, when the door had closed behind him, and he began to whistle his way down the front walk.

An hour after Liam’s call, Tuck parked in front of rectory, and watched Will pull the pickup with the trailered backhoe around to the rear of the cemetery. It was decided between them that he would unload the equipment, in advance. Tuck knew, only too well that he was intentionally about to violate several codes, but he found it hard to care. If there were fines to pay, he would happily pay them. If Lisa wanted to have file charges against him for trespassing, vandalism—whatever, he would turn himself in.

Thus, mentally prepared for battle, he crutched his way to the door, and knocked. Inside, the dogs got off a few barks, before Lisa opened up. To his surprise, she stepped out, as opposed to admitting him. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around his waist, careful not to knock him off balance. Tuck leaned into the hug, and kissed the crown of her head.

“Don’t fret, darlin’,” he laughed, softly.

She nodded, her face still against his chest, then stepped back.

“I suppose you’d better come in,” she said.

The attitude of the others was expectant, when entered, but there was something else, in the room. Liam and Lisa looked contrite, and Janice looked stressed. Evidently, the twins had been arguing, and Janice had had to play peacemaker.

“Sorry it took me so long,” Tuck said, settling into the rocker. “Will loaded up the backhoe, but I was busy deciding on a casket.”

The shocked silence that followed seemed endless. It really only lasted about fifteen seconds.

“You decided to just go ahead and bring the backhoe?” Lisa said.

Tuck was amused that she had chosen to address the backhoe, rather than the casket.

“I did. I also decided that the three of you know nothing about this, if it ever comes to light. I came onto the property, and excavated the grave myself, for my own reasons, without your permission.”

“What reasons, Tucker?” Janice frowned.

“That’s bullshit!” Liam exclaimed.

“No one will ever believe that!” Lisa asserted.

All of this came at him, at once. Tuck held up his hand. “What reasons? Maybe I was treasure hunting. Maybe I got a tip from genealogical research that something vital was in that grave. I’ll come up with something. It is bullshit, but I intend to keep Lisa out of it, and the two of you, as well. And, they will believe it,” he addressed Lisa, “because you’ll either confirm it, or say nothing at all. The Fifth Amendment applies, here. It’s not even untrue, in essence. I’m here, and I’m going to excavate. If you intend to stop me, you’ll have to call the Sheriff’s Department.”

“You seem to have me over a barrel,” Lisa frowned.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he was. Bullying wasn’t something he enjoyed. “It’s meant to protect you, financially and socially. If there’s a fine, I mean to pay it. If there’s gossip, I mean to be the subject of it. But, I really don’t think anyone is ever going to know. How would they find out?”

“Nothing ever sounded more like ‘famous last words’, than that,” Liam joked.

Tuck just shrugged.

“Did you say you were shopping for a casket?” Janice asked. “Where on earth does one shop, at home, for a casket?”

“Amazon, Walmart, other places– you’d be surprised.”

“I am surprised.”

“So was I, at first. I got to thinking that to reinter Grandpa, I should have a proper casket, you see. The old boy deserves that much, at the very least. I’m no woodworker, don’t know any woodworkers, then it dawned on me– I tripped on a full sized casket, just a few days ago. So, I put in a call to the fella who owned it, and asked him where he had gotten it.”

“And, he wasn’t at all suspicious?” Lisa asked.

“Nope. I told him I wanted it, for next Halloween, to set up a gag of my own. He just laughed and told me what I wanted to know. He actually built his own, after pricing them, online. He now thinks I’m a good sport, with a sense of humor.”

“Very clever, Tucker!” Janice grinned. “Kudos.”

Lisa rolled her eyes, laughing under her breath.

“Anyway, I found a nice pine casket, very affordable, and it’s due to arrive, next week. The thing is, I’d like to get all the digging done, today. Both grave sites. Too many trips with a backhoe on a trailer aren’t a good idea, even though I don’t have to go through town, with it.”

“What about reburial?” Liam asked.

“Oh, I can use the other bucket, for that. It’s for pushing dirt, not digging holes. There’s nothing unusual at all around here about moving dirt from one place to another.” He couldn’t help but be amused by Liam’s uneasy expression. It looked like a combination of admiration and worry. “It’s not like I haven’t had time to think the scenario through, you know,” he reminded him. “Sooner or later, the grave was going to be located, and balance was going to have to be restored.”