Amateur Hour

Lisa jumped up and patted her leg. Both dogs followed her willingly to the bathroom, though she had to push Gil a bit with her leg, to get him to go in. She shut the door, and went back to the living room. She heard footsteps cross the porch from the screen door.

“Just relax and be calm,” Tuck instructed. He waited for the knock at the door, and the deputy’s announcement of who they were. He opened it wide, neither hurrying nor hesitating.

“Hi Carol, Jim,” he greeted the two deputies standing there. “Come on in.”

“We’re here to do a welfare check, Tuck. Is Lisa Miles here?”

“I’m Lisa Miles,” Lisa said. “I forgot to call Janice, to tell her I was okay,” she said, to Tuck. “This is a misunderstanding, Deputies. I called my sister in law, a while ago, and I forgot to call her back.”

“All the same, Ma’am, we have to follow procedure,” Deputy Carol said.

“I’m sorry, Tuck, but I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the house,” Deputy Jim advised.

“It’s freezing, out there!” Lisa objected.

“Honey, just let them do their job. It’s standard procedure, when there are known firearms in the house.”

“I have to search him, Ma’am, but we can talk in the cruiser. Is this your coat, Tuck?”

“Yeah. Go ahead–I know you need to check the pockets.”

The Deputy did, but he didn’t give Tuck the coat, immediately. Rather, he slung it over his arm and opened the door, motioning Tuck to precede him.

Lisa stared at the Deputy who remained with her, in consternation. “My partner has to search him, first, then he’ll get his coat. I know,” she said, with a sympathetic smile, “it’s not pleasant, but we all like and respect Tuck. He’ll be fine. Can we sit somewhere, and talk a moment?”

“Sure. This is a nightmare.”

“I’m guessing it’s probably just a hiccup in your evening. Your sister in law sounded pretty concerned, though.”

“She’s my brother’s fiancée, actually.”

“Close enough. It’s nice that you already think of her as your sister in law.”

“The light is better, in the kitchen,” Lisa suggested.

“Lead the way,” Carol smiled. “So, what happened here, this evening?” she asked, when they were seated at the table. “Why did you call your sister in law?”

“I was confused and a little nervous. Tuck went out to make a temporary repair on some broken windows of mine, and he was later than I expected, getting home. He underestimated the time it would take, working alone, I guess. When he got in, he seemed…odd.”

“Had he been drinking?”

Carol didn’t look up, from her notepad, but Lisa had a feeling she already knew the answer to her own question, supplied by Janice, no doubt.

“I thought I smelled beer on his breath, when I got close enough.”

“So, he wasn’t reeking.”

“No.”

“He isn’t, now, either, and it hasn’t been that long since we got the call. Did he seem intoxicated?”

“No.”

“What was so odd, then, that it made you nervous?”

Lisa thought. “You know Tuck, right?”

“Fairly well, yes.”

“Then, you know what he’s like. Friendly, affable, kind.”

“That’s how I know him,” Carol agreed.

“Well, earlier this evening, he was cool, a little sarcastic, and a touch rude. He wasn’t like himself, and I guess it upset me more than it should have. I thought I felt a quarrel brewing, and I hate confrontations, so… I called Janice to whine about it.”

“Did you? Call Janice,” she elucidated.

“I…No. I called my brother, but Janice answered his phone. I forgot about that.”

“Was there a confrontation?”

“Not really. I got irritated, and he explained what was bugging him. It wasn’t even something I did. He was just brooding. I really feel like an ass, about this.”

“Well,” Carol closed her notebook, and looked at Lisa, “at least you know Janice has your back. Is your lip a bit swollen, Miss Miles?”

“I bit myself. Tripped over my dog.”

“Dog?” the Deputy looked around.

“They’re both in the bathroom. When Tuck saw your flashers, he told me to put them there, so they’d be out of the way.”

“You can let them out, if you want, unless you think yours might be aggressive. I know Nickie, of course.”

Lisa chuckled. “Gil’s a chocolate marshmallow. He might sniff your duty belt, though. He has a thing for leather.”

“No reason to keep them cooped up.”

Lisa excused herself, and went out of the kitchen to the downstairs bathroom. Carol followed her, saying something quietly into her radio. An equally calm reply came back. The dogs trotted out of the bathroom. Nickie went to Carol, at once, greeting her as an old friend. Gil was more reserved, but polite. He gave Carol’s leather only a perfunctory sniff. “He is a chocolate marshmallow, isn’t he?” Carol grinned, scratching Gil’s ear. “I have to ask, because it’s protocol: do you feel like you’re in any danger, Miss Miles?”

“Please—it’s Lisa. No, I’m perfectly fine. It was all just a misunderstanding on my part. I’m sorry you got dragged out here.”

“It’s the job,” Carol shrugged. “I’m just glad everything’s all right.”

“Now, I just have to call Janice, and apologize to her.”

The front door opened, and Tuck stepped in, chatting easily with Jim. “Can we offer you some coffee, before you hit the road?” he asked.

“None for me, thanks,” Carol said. “I’ve had enough to float a battleship. Jim?”

“Nah. I’ve got reflux coming on.”

“You always have reflux coming on. Stop eating tomato sauce.”

“I will never give up my pasta. Let’s go, Granny,” he said to his partner, who looked to be all of twenty-five. “’Night, Tuck. Miss Miles,” he tipped his hat to Lisa, and followed Carol out the door.

Tuck looked at her, and began to laugh, under his breath. “Nice to know Janice has your six,” he snickered, still keeping his voice down.

They heard the car doors open and close. There was a pause, and then the engine started, and the flashers went off.

“That’s the end of it,” he said, flopping down onto the sofa. “When the flashers go off, the call is over.”

Lisa joined him. “I don’t know whether to put a hit out on her, or send her flowers.”

“Compromise, then, and give her a call.”

“What do I tell her?”

“Anything you want. She knows everything, anyway,” he reminded her.

“True.” Lisa opened her contacts on her phone, and tapped Janice’s name.

“Lisa—are you okay?” Janice demanded, without saying hello.

“I am. I just got involved in a conversation with Tuck, and forgot to call you. I’m so sorry, Janice.”

“It’s okay, if you’re okay. You should know, I called the cops, on you.”

“They just left—“

Tuck pulled the phone over in his direction. “You did the right thing, Janice.”

“Why, thank you, Tucker. I’m aware of that,” was Janice’s tart response.

“Now, don’t be mad at me, Darlin’. I can explain everything that happened, but it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, at least. I swear on my life, Lisa’s safe and well.”

“Lisa?”

“Janice. I’m fine. It was more… ghost stuff, that’s all. I’ll tell you all about it, but not tonight. Tomorrow, I promise.”

“All right, then.”

“Thanks, for looking out for me. I’m just very sorry to have worried you so.”

“That’s what sisters are for.”

“I’ll call you, tomorrow.”

“Okay. Good night.”

“Good night.”

After the conversation ended, they sat in silence, for a time, watching the fire.

“So,” Lisa spoke first, “what do we do, now?”

“I suppose we have to tell the kids. I hate to do it, but Noah threatened Toni, and the baby.”

“If only you had never gotten involved…”

“How could that have been avoided? Eventually, you’d have found out about the Judge and his connection to me. Or, I’d have found out. People talk, and some of the people you’ve talked to are related to me, if only by marriage. It just happened sooner rather than later.”

“I feel like Typhoid Mary. I never intended to cause any harm, at all, and I’ve managed to do so much!”

“Your only so-called crime was buying a property that happened to be haunted.”

“I didn’t have to hang onto it.”

“Damn it, Lisa—why shouldn’t you? You’re the owner, not the haunts. You belong. They don’t. Hell, even the Judge knows that much. Stop it, now.” He put his arm around her shoulders, and drew her close.

“Toni isn’t safe,” she said, in a flat tone.

“I think I have a plan, for Toni. And for you, too.”

“Not guns. No lethal force.”

“No, much better. Police grade pepper spray.”

Lisa drew away enough, to stare at him, in disbelief.

“Pepper spray. Really?”

“Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. Noah knows a lot about me, now, but I’ve learned some things about him, too. He’s a big talker, honey, but he hates physical pain. You saw how fast he decamped, when he saw your slap, incoming. I have a notion that a good shot of pepper spray would drive him back to the sub-basement of my consciousness, in a heartbeat.” Tuck laughed, without much humor. “He wants sensation? That’s a sensation.”

“And, if he decides to crash your car? Puts the idea in your head, to shoot yourself? Gives you a craving for strychnine? What, then?”

“He won’t. But, if he does, that’s when you grind his bones to powder, mix them with manure, pour gasoline on them, and light a match. Carry the ashes to Brasstown Bald, and scatter them to the winds. No ‘decent burial’ for that bastard.”

“It wouldn’t bring me a lot of comfort.”

“No?” He smiled down at her, and pulled her close again.

“No. But, I will do it. I’ve been all about honoring last requests, lately.”

“It’s in his best interests, to keep me alive.”

“Seems almost pointless to take you hostage, in the first place.”

“He’s a coward. It’s what he does, because he has nothing else. Intimidation and bullying are all he knows to do. Some people are molded that way, shaped that way. I think Noah was born that way. I’ve always had a heartfelt contempt for people of that kind, especially men.”

After another long pause, Lisa asked, “How do we get him out of the cellar?”

“Shouldn’t be too hard, to remove the remains. Divide them up, I suppose. Put them into a couple of sacks, and haul them up,” Tuck speculated.

“I’m not crazy about the thought of putting them next to Beatrice, even if we can find her grave, but…”

“I know. It feels like a violation, doesn’t it? A betrayal.”

“It does,” she agreed. “But, that’s where he would have been placed, if… What do you suppose happened, anyway? Aside from the obvious, I mean—that someone murdered him.”

“He must have been thought to be missing,” Tuck shrugged. “I doubt he was popular enough for anyone to have cared, very much.”

***************************

Because Liam and Janice couldn’t attend any “family meeting” in person, Toni had come up with the idea of a video conference.

“It makes sense,” Will had said. “Every one of us has a laptop.”

Thus, she had been pressed into service to organize the virtual room, and coordinate the call ins. It was late afternoon, before everything was set up, and after dinner, when the festivities commenced.

Tuck was grateful that there was something to distract her from wondering too much about the purpose of the meeting, though he found himself in the uncomfortable position of being the presenter-in-chief.

It was only family and friends, but he had slept poorly the night before, despite having equipped both Toni and Lisa with pepper spray. Lisa knew why, but Toni hadn’t a clue, yet. He wasn’t much looking forward to her finding out, but there was no help for it.

He was deeply tired, and there were bags under his eyes, but he managed to keep his tone calm and even as he related the story to the others. Lisa said nothing to interrupt. She barely even looked up, to take in the expressions of the others. She looked defeated, notwithstanding all of his assurances that none of what had happened was her fault.

No one spoke for a while, when he finished, and opened the floor for discussion. Tuck didn’t mind giving them time. It was a lot to digest, and he was content to sit back, and take custody of Lisa’s right hand. The cut was healing nicely, he noticed, but the hand was cold.

It was Janice who spoke first.

“I think the immediate concern is whether or not Tucker is a danger to any of you, just now.” She stated it coolly, any and all affectations of the silly flirt gone from her demeanor.

“Yes,” Tuck nodded, in agreement. “That’s my concern, anyway.”

“No,” Liam disagreed. “That’s like blaming a car for an accident.”

Tuck flinched a little, reminded of what the Judge had said about his becoming a vehicle.

“It’s not about ‘blame’,” Janice scowled. “It’s about reality. Tucker may be the one driving, or he may not, at any given moment. And, when he is, it doesn’t help that Noah Lovejoy is riding in the back seat, seeing and hearing everything.”

“If only we knew what makes him quiescent versus active,” Will mused, “we might be able to keep Noah in the backseat.”

“Could we please get away from the car metaphors?” Lisa erupted, surprising them all. Her lips were thin, and her eyes had a hard shine, as though she might be on the verge of tears.

“It’s starting to rub me the wrong way, too,” Toni agreed.

“Alcohol seems to encourage him,” Tuck remarked. “But then, there’s the missing time thing, when I hadn’t had anything to drink.”

“Maybe some kind of adjustment period?” Liam theorized. “You weren’t really aware of him, and you weren’t really aware of yourself, either. You just kept going through the motions.”

“But conveniently forgot to seal that trapdoor—that was where the forgetting started,” Will pointed out.

“Are you suggesting that Noah was in charge of the plywood hanging? I doubt he would know much about operating a cordless drill,” Toni scoffed.

“I don’t know how to make a soufflé, either, Toni—but I could look it up. Maybe Noah has access to some of Pa’s knowledge. Maybe all of it. We just don’t know.”

“He knows who all of you are,” Tuck stated in a flat tone.

“That might be due to active thinking, rather than passive knowledge. With any luck, he has to be in control to access the latter,” Liam said.

“Toni and Lisa might be safer, if I weren’t in the house.” Tuck rubbed at his temples, feeling the warning signs of an incipient headache. He wanted nothing more, right now than to call it a day and go to bed. He glanced at his watch. 7:15 pm.

“Where would you go, Tucker?” Janice asked.

“Motel, I reckon,” Tuck shrugged. “I could have someone drop me off and pick me up, tomorrow. That way, Noah wouldn’t have access to my car, if he has access to my grey matter.”

“Then I’m going with you,” Lisa announced. “It’s a travesty to have you put out of your own house, while I stay here.”

“Because, you’d be so much safer in the same motel with him, than in the same house, right? You’re both idiots, and you’ll stay where you are,” Toni ruled. “It may be a good idea to keep friends close and enemies closer, but you never, ever shitcan your family.”

“Not even your dangerous, somewhat pervy great great uncle Noah?” Will challenged. He was clearly joking, but his wife favored him with a look that would wither a cactus.

“He’s not my uncle,” she replied in a quiet voice. “You can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your family. To me, he’s neither.”

“Proximity is always a factor, Toni,” Liam reminded all of them. “The farther Tuck is from the rectory, the less effect Noah is likely to have on him. Maybe his getting away from both houses at night isn’t such a bad idea.”

“The farthest motel from the church is about five miles farther from it than this house,” Toni replied, beginning to truly dig in her heels. “I can’t imagine that would make much difference.”

“It would, if I had no way to get back here.” Tuck was speaking over his shoulder, while running a bit of water from the sink to wash down his aspirin. “Where are you going?” he asked Lisa, who had gotten up, and was preparing to leave the room.

“To pack an overnight bag, of course.” She continued her march out of the room.

“You’re closest,” he gestured in Will’s direction, but his son in law didn’t move, except to snag Tuck’s own arm, when he tried to follow.

“If you’re determined to go, you shouldn’t be alone. Let her be, Pa.”

“Call her, Janice,” Tuck said, resuming his seat. “Talk her out of this foolishness.”

“No,” Janice surprised him. “I can’t.”

“Why the hell not?”

“She left her phone on the table. I saw her put it there.”

The people physically at the table glanced toward Lisa’s vacant seat. She had, indeed, left her phone on the table. Someone began to laugh. It was Liam.

“You don’t play chess, do you, Tuck?” he asked. “Lisa just took one of your knights.”

It took her very little time to throw the things she needed into a small bag, but Lisa remained in her room, until she heard Tuck’s door close. When she passed by his room, she heard a combination of rustling, drawers being opened, and low key mutterings. She shrugged, mentally. He’d get over it.

When she got to the bottom of the stairs, she found Toni sitting alone in the living room, knitting.

“Where’s Will,” she asked.

“Putting the horses to bed. You might as well sit.”

“I want to get my laptop, first.”

“Sit,” Toni said, brooking no argument.

“Okay.” Lisa complied, having no idea what she might be in for.

“What happens, if Noah comes to your room, all dressed up like my Dad?” Toni asked, glancing at Lisa, from over the top of her work. “What’s your plan?”

“I suppose I’ll give him a faceful of pepper spray.”

“And, when he recovers, and decides to retaliate?”

“Tuck doesn’t think he’d even stick around long enough to feel the spray.”

“You’re willing to bet your life, on a theory?”

“In this case, yes. Without me, Noah stays in the rectory cellar, forever.”

“Does he? Or, does he stay in my father, forever—or, at least until the end of his life?”

“What would you have me do, then? Put down your afghan, and tell me: what?!”

“If you can’t talk him into staying, I think you should let him go, alone.”

“Out of the question.”

“You think he might harm himself.”

“No, not really. It’s just not right—“

“None of this is right. None of it is your fault, either. But, I have Will, if I get caught flat-footed by Noah. So do you, if you stay here. If you don’t you’re a sitting duck, and so far the only person he’s touched is you. I just can’t agree that dividing the family up is the way to go.” Toni set her knitting aside, with a disgusted look at it.

“I don’t either. This isn’t my idea. I wish to God it had been me, that Noah had set up camp in. It would make this much simpler.”

“I could smack you upside the head, for that. I was right—you are an idiot.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Not entirely. We could keep you physically contained, at night. You’d be less of a threat, by virtue of being smaller. What we wouldn’t do, is put you on a proverbial ice floe, and shove you out to sea.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill, honey,” Tuck said, coming the rest of the way down the stairs. He had been standing about halfway down, concealed enough in a shadow that they hadn’t been aware of him.

Toni frowned, at the sight of him.

“Is eavesdropping the new order of the day, Dad?”

She asked the question lightly, but caught Lisa’s eye, and gave her an almost imperceptible shake of the head.

“Is discussing me, behind my back?” Tuck countered, with a faint smile. “Relax, dear. Everything’s going to be fine. I thought about it, while I was packing, and it’ll be nice just to know Lisa’s nearby. Comforting. You taking Gil too, Lisa?”

“No. He’s fine, here. He’d miss Nickie, and Will spoils him rotten.”

On cue, Will opened the kitchen’s outside door, because of course he did—It beat anything Lisa ever saw, how Will always seemed to come and go, with such eerie timing. He came through the kitchen and approached Lisa, with a mischievous smile.

“Luna sends you her regards, and this—“ he took bent to take her hand and dropped something into it. Lisa stared at it, a trifle alarmed.

“Baby tooth,” Will explained.
“Oh,” Lisa said, eyeing it with more interest.

“She had a little too much feed, left in her trough, so I checked her mouth, and there it was, dangling by a thread. I washed it off,” he added and Lisa laughed.

She held her palm toward Tuck, to give him a look.

The expression of mild disgust mixed with amusement surprised her, a little.

“What are you going to do with it?” he asked. “Put it under your pillow, for the tooth fairy?”

“I just might. Maybe she’ll leave me a sugar cube.” Lisa’s tone was flippant, but she didn’t miss the assessing look Toni was giving her father.

“I guess we should go, then,” Toni said, standing. “It’s not getting any earlier. I’ll help you gather your stuff from the kitchen, Lisa.” Toni caught Will’s eye, and glanced at Lisa’s bag. Will picked it up and headed for the front door, with Tuck behind him.

They paused long enough for Tuck to slip on his jacket, then went out.

“He’s being weird,” Toni said urgently, in a soft voice, even though the men were out of earshot.

“I got that, through your looks and glances.”

“Be careful, Lisa.” He voice was fierce, though soft.

“I will. I will—I promise.”

Toni shocked her then, by giving her a hard hug. “I guess there’s nothing else I can say then.”