Amateur Hour

Tuck was feeling better, overall, by the time Will and Toni dropped them off at the motel. It was the one Liam and Janice had stayed in—not the one that Lisa had chosen, several days ago. His headache had cleared up, though the aspirin had given him a slight ringing in his ears, as it sometimes did when he took too much.

He felt more optimistic than he had, about Lisa’s presence, too. A kind of buoyancy had come over his mood, when he realized that she wouldn’t desert him, even if she safely could. He wouldn’t have held it against her, any more than he held it against Toni, who looked too woebegone for words, when she’d ridden off, with Will.

On the ride over, Will had been relentlessly cheerful, for all of their sakes. He had proposed plans for getting Noah’s body out of the rectory cellar, for burying him, for getting rid of the cedar chest; joking, smiling, giving Toni the occasional hand squeeze. Tuck gave him an A for effort, but it had been wearing, and he wasn’t sorry to see them pull away.

At the front desk, Tuck specified that they would take any two rooms that were side by side, preferably on the second floor. They ended up with two ‘king’ rooms, with a connecting door. Tuck asked if the door hand to be unlocked on both sides, to be used. The clerk assured him that it did. Tuck looked at Lisa, who nodded that this was acceptable.

He’d been unpacked for about thirty minutes, and was flipping aimlessly through the TV channels, when there was a timid knock at his door. When he opened it, Lisa smiled sheepishly at him, from the threshold, armed with pretzels and sodas.

“Motel food. My favorite,” he chuckled, bowing her inside.

“I know it’s late, but there’s a really bad pay-per-view movie on…”

“How about that–I’m dying to watch a really bad pay-per-view movie, with you. That’s something we’ve yet to do, together.” He picked up the guide by the TV. “Is it the comedy, the teen slasher movie, or the trashy romance?”

“The trashy romance, of course,” she stated, with exaggerated primness.

“Comedy it is, then. You can turn up the heat, if it’s too chilly in here, for you,” he said, sitting down to order the movie. He felt himself working to be casual. In truth, he was nervous. The situation had a ridiculous ‘first date’ feeling to it. He wondered if she felt the same way.

He was too aware of her, somehow. Just the act of her kicking off her sneakers made him realize that he had never actually witnessed her either putting on her shoes or taking them off. Tuck gave himself a mental shake. He had, of course, on opening night of the play. Lisa had swapped her less comfortable dress shoes for sneakers, at that awful motel she’d been staying at. It just hadn’t been affecting to him, then.

Get a grip, he thought. She’s not disrobing. You expect her to sit on your bed, with her shoes on? She’s even wearing socks.

Lisa was a little self conscious when it came to sitting on the bed, next to him, but she managed it. When her feet were up, Tuck popped the top on his soda can, opened his bag of pretzels, and ate one. But, he just couldn’t resist…

“Darlin’, can you satisfy my curiosity about something?” he opened, munching a second pretzel, and taking up the remote.

“I’ll try. What do you want to know?”

“I’m wondering—do you actually have toes?”

“What?” she laughed.

“Toes,” he raised his leg and wiggled his bare ones, as if to demonstrate, keeping a straight face, barely. “Do you have—“

She laughed some more, and slapped him lightly on the arm.

“Yes, Deputy, I have toes! My toes get cold, so I wear socks. Is this some of that police harassment I’ve heard about?”

“Nope. I’m retired. Almost retired. This is pure tormenting by your significant other.”

Lisa scowled at him and plucked the remote from his hand. It was her turn to laugh at him, when the trashy romance came on the screen.

“I meant to do that,” he lied.

“Anything you say, Deputy.”

The movie was trashy, affording both of them more laughs than the comedy would have. At one point, Lisa reached for the bedspread, which had been folded halfway down the bed.

“Do you mind?” she asked.

“Oh, I absolutely mind. If you want warm feet, go back to your own room.” He tugged the spread up over them both, like a lap robe. “Don’t take this to mean I’m easy,” he warned her.

“I would never offer such an affront to your honor, sir.”

“Good,” he replied, pulling her closer. “Are you warm enough?”

“It was just my feet. Any warmer, and I might fall asleep.”

“If you do, I’ll just switch rooms, with you.” It would be easy enough. She’d left her card key on the table.

“I won’t.”

He managed to coax her down onto the bed, but she woke up as he moved away to sit on the edge. He had just bent over to grab a boot, when she spoke.

“You don’t have to go,” she said.

“It’s no bother. Go back to sleep, honey.”

“I plan to. But, you don’t have to go.”

“Lisa—“

“Are you going to make beg you, to stay?” She turned to give him a mildly exasperated look.

“No.” He dropped the boot and took off his outer shirt, before slipping in, next to her. She felt good, next to him, and he found himself relaxing. He put his arm around her and she made no objection, but merely adjusted her pillow.

It had been a long time since either of them had shared a bed with someone else, and there was some awareness of each other’s stirrings, throughout the night, but Tuck felt like he had slept well enough, when he woke.

He made horrible coffee for them both, in the tiny motel pot, trying to make as little noise as possible, as he did so. He was regretting his lack of a car to go somewhere to get them proper coffee and maybe a bite of food, when Lisa sat up.

“I think they have some kind of continental breakfast thing, in the lobby,” she yawned. “Want me to go and see what I can forage?”

“I’ll go. I’m more awake than you are.”

“Me man. Me go hunt,” Lisa laughed.

“Something like that,” he grinned.

When he returned, she was hanging up her phone.

“Good news, Deputy—we’re being rescued. That was Toni.”

“I’m glad to hear it. A couple of muffins and some coffee were all that was left. At least the coffee is real, though—not that half instant stuff.” He nodded toward the paper cup on the nightstand by her. “I hate being without a car.”

“She claims she’s going to take us home and feed us.”

“I wonder why she called you fir—“ He was cut off by the ringing of his own phone. “Hi, honey,” he answered.

“Hi, Dad. I’m glad you’re up. I think I woke poor Lisa. It may be a few minutes before she comes to tell you I’m on my way over.”

“Take your time, sweetie. I managed to find some coffee in the lobby, and a couple of muffins. We won’t starve to death. There are places that deliver, in any case.” He had just remembered this, himself.

“Yuck. You didn’t order anything, did you?”

“No.”

“Then, don’t. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“That girl does like to cook,” he said, after she’d hung up. “She married the perfect man. Will likes to eat.”

“I noticed you failed to mention that I spent the night here.”

“Should I have? I’ll call her back, if you want.”

“Shut up,” Lisa laughed.

“Banana or blueberry? I like either one,” he smiled, offering her the muffins.

Lisa chose the banana, and doctored her coffee to suit her. Tuck had brought plenty of cream and sugar. “Ah… That’s so much better,” she said, after her first sip. “I hope I’ll have time to shower and change.”

“We should.” He sipped his own coffee and made a face. “Tastes like chlorine.”

“I’ve had worse, and it wasn’t delivered to me by a handsome cowboy, so my day is starting off pretty well.”

“I forgot to tell Toni which rooms we were in,” Lisa told Tuck, when she returned to his room, freshly showered and dressed. “Should we wait for her, out front?”

“I suppose. I don’t need any more of that,” he nodded toward the coffee pot while he finished tucking in his shirt.

“Remind me to bring my own coffee maker, from the house. We won’t have to suffer so much, tomorrow.”

“I’ve been thinking about it—If you were to drive us back, this evening, you could leave your keys with the clerk to put in the motel safe. We wouldn’t be stranded then, in the morning. You’d be the only one who could claim them.”

“That might work. You don’t know how to hot wire a car, do you?” she added, raising an eyebrow.

Tuck chuckled, and sat down to put on his boots. “Just because I can think like a criminal, it doesn’t mean I’ve been trained in all the crafts of same. I can get into a locked car, with the right makeshift tools, but I can’t start one, without a key. You should probably keep your roadside assistance insurance.” He rose and caught up his hat and jacket. “Ready?” he asked.

Lisa nodded, and stood, herself. It had been fun watching him dress, and she felt a little pang of regret that the show was over.

The sun was blinding, once they were out of the shadow of the building, and Lisa wished it was as warm as it was bright.

“That tears it,” she announced, when the sharp breeze slapped her in the face. “I’m getting earmuffs. Today.”

“Such a little hothouse flower,” Tuck smiled down at her. “We can wait in the lobby, if you think you can make it that far.”

They didn’t get that chance, however, because Toni was pulling to a stop, under the port cochere as they rounded the side of the main building to the front. Tuck led Lisa around to the passenger side and installed her in the front seat, before climbing into the back, behind her.

“You’d have more room up here,” Lisa observed, when he shut his door and reached for his seatbelt.

“I’m fine, back here. Mornin’ sweetie,” he greeted Toni.

“Mornin’ Dad. Hope you two didn’t fill up on muffins,” she added, putting her car in gear.

“You have Lisa so spoiled, she only ate half of hers.”

“You both look well. Everything was okay then? No problems?”

“None,” Lisa answered. “Liam might have a point about proximity to the church. We had some pretzels, watched a movie, and called it a night. I hope you got some rest.”

“I did. Took half a Benadryl, and it was lights out. And yes, Dad, it’s safe.”

“I trust you. Glad you were able to sleep—you were worried to death, last night.”

“Not quite to death.”

“I have an idea,” Lisa said. “Why don’t we treat Toni to breakfast today, at Ken’s? Will can join us, if he isn’t already at work.”

“That’s a fine idea,” Tuck affirmed.

“I can pick up the tab, for a change. What do you think, Toni?”

“Well, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I could go for some of their biscuits and gravy.”

“I’ll call Will,” Tuck volunteered.

They didn’t have to wait long for Will, in the parking lot.

“Jethro has good timing, when it comes to food,” Tuck commented, when Will pulled up to park his truck beside them.

“It took a while to get him conditioned,” Toni said to Lisa. “He didn’t eat enough to keep a parakeet alive, when I met him.”

“He doesn’t have that problem, now,” Tuck said dryly, and opened his door. “The women are talking about you, son,” he called to Will.

“Thought my ears felt warm,” Will replied, unfazed. He opened Toni’s door for her, and gave her a resounding kiss, when she was fairly out of the car.

“That’s one way to enjoy getting chapped lips,” Tuck murmured to Lisa.

“Stop it. They’re sweet,” she chided him, as they followed the younger couple inside.

“What’s the game plan for today, Pa?” Will asked Tuck, once their orders had been taken. “Do we have one?”

“I thought I’d take Lisa someplace where she could buy some earmuffs. Someplace where I can also get some of those heavy duty contractor trash bags, and some work lights.”

“You’re…going to stow Noah in contractor bags?” Lisa whispered.

“I can’t think of any better ideas. We may have to bury him that way, too. I’m sure as hell not springing for another casket.”

“You’d want an ossuary,” Will said. “A bone box,” he clarified. “They aren’t very big, about two and a half feet long, maybe a foot wide.” He demonstrated the measurements with his hands, as he spoke. “What? Don’t any of you watch the Discovery Channel?” he asked, at their surprised looks.

“I think I’ve heard of those,” Lisa said. “Something Liam was talking about, once. It’s what they used to do with skeletons after bodies had been entombed for a certain amount of time.”

“Exactly!” Will nodded.

“Weren’t they made of stone, though?” Lisa asked.

“Not all of them. Sometimes wood was used.”

“So, a tiny casket,” Tuck said.

“More or less. Easier and cheaper to come by, easier to bury, and dignified enough, if you’re concerned about that.”

“I’m not,” Tuck said flatly.

“Maybe not, but Noah is,” Toni pointed out. “I’m not sympathetic, at all. But, if you want him gone, you have to try to give him what he wants.”

“Which brings us to another of his conditions. He wants to be placed next to Beatrice. I think we should start by trying to find her grave.” Lisa said. “We need to know where we’re putting him, and prepare it…” she trailed off, as their food made its arrival. “It has to be ready to go,” she continued, after they’d been served, and the waitress was gone. “He can’t exactly lie in state, in the church, after all, while we’re pulling everything together.”

“Theoretically, he could,” Will said.

“No. He can’t. I won’t have it,” Lisa replied in a tone that was grim and brooked no argument.

“I agree, for what it’s worth,” Toni said. “The Judge was problematic at first, but he was never malevolent. You don’t want to introduce that, into the church.”

“Beatrice shouldn’t be to hard to find. She should be with the Lovejoys, right?” Will observed. “Women were usually buried where there husbands were, or where they were expected to be, if they predeceased the husbands. Toni and I can look around, while you shop for the things we’ll need to bring the old boy up.”

“No. Toni shouldn’t go anywhere near the place.”

“Especially if there’s any possibility that I might show up, too,” Tuck agreed.

“Fine, fine—“ Toni surrendered. “I’ll shop for the ossuary, instead. I’m sure I can find something, somewhere, that will serve the purpose. Besides, I’d like to do some digging of my own, into public records. I’m curious as to what happened to Noah. It was a very bizarre murder, whether he might have deserved it, or not. I’d like to touch base with Janice and Liam about it—do you think they’d mind?” she asked Lisa.

“They’d both be thrilled,” Lisa smiled, for the first time since they’d sat down. “Please, do. You have their numbers, still?”

“Yeah.”

“Call Janice, first. Liam’s sweet, but he’s awkward with women he doesn’t know well.”

“Okay,” Toni grinned, nodding.

“Let’s meet up at home, for a late lunch. Say, around one?” Tuck proposed. “That is, if you’re playing hooky, all day,” he added to Will.

“Guess I am,” he shrugged. “This is the slow season. I have maybe five appointments, this week, and none of them are for today. One o’clock, it is.”

**********************

Lisa had been an imperfect vessel, at best; difficult to manipulate, except on the lowest, crudest level. Noah had only been capable of moving her, when she slept, and then not to any purpose. Sleepwalking hadn’t accomplished anything, except to tire her out and enable him to play upon her emotions, when she was awake.

And, such a stew of character traits! Her stubbornness was as much a hindrance as it was a help; her empathy was utterly useless, as was her innate loyalty. Her arrogance and pride did come in handy, as did her sublimated lust for Tucker, distasteful as it was. Withal, she was a toy that had lost its charm, and was physically inadequate, as a dogsbody. True, she had been the spark that had given him the energy he had needed to break free of that accursed box, but even that was beginning to wane.

Tucker, now— Tucker was a fine fit. Any man would have been more to his liking for a vehicle than a woman, naturally, But Tucker was astonishingly compatible. In some ways, he was the man Noah had always wanted to be. Oh, he had his laughable foibles. His respect for women in general, and Lisa in particular, were folly, of course.

Women fared better when they understood their place in the world. It was better for them, and simpler for men, when females understood that they were meant to be subservient. Only then could they be petted and indulged, with any safety. They were like horses, or dogs, in that respect.

How Tucker failed to grasp this, when he had a near perfect comprehension when it came to both horses and dogs, Noah could only wonder. Well, perhaps he could learn it, in the amount of time they would spend together. It would only enhance his more admirable qualities.

In general, Tucker was admirable. He was straightforward (except when catering to and coddling the women in his life), strong, resolute, brave. He also had an almost untapped capacity for violence that might be interesting to explore.

Noah had listened with great interest to their plans, this morning, and no small amount of amusement. Ossuary, indeed! He had no intention of going into a bone box, or any other kind of box, for that matter. He had had quite enough of boxes, thank you. Lisa was a fool to think that a confirmed liar on one side of the veil wouldn’t continue to lie, on the other.

He had made Lisa believe what she wanted to believe, that his demands were reasonable, and that they could be met. Really—she was much easier to manipulate externally, than internally.

Say what she would, Lisa was afraid of him. She thought she was protecting Toni, by keeping her away from his former physical body. In truth, he had no interest in Toni, one way or the other.

Little Toni knew her place, it appeared. She cooked, she cleaned, she took care of her father and her husband, as a woman should. Toni tended goats, made butter, and knitted baby things for her child. Tucker had reared her properly. Ironic, that Lisa thought Noah was a danger to Toni, but it was Toni who came closest to grasping what a danger he was, to Lisa—almost as though she perceived it on a cellular level.

Lisa had no such womanly instincts. Rather, she strolled around in trousers as a rule, with dresses being the exception; sported hats better suited to men; fancied herself equal to all the men in her life—even superior to some; rebelled against Tucker’s natural authority. Such a woman would have been the object of disgust and ridicule, in his time.

Now, they were ‘respected’. What on earth had last night been about? Had Tucker been a widower for so long that he’d forgotten what a woman was for, in bed?

****************************

“They’re cute,” Tuck said of the fuzzy red earmuffs she was modeling, “but they won’t work with your hat.”

Lisa put her hat back on. He was right, of course. She wondered with amusement if he ever got tired of being right.

“Here. Try these.” He offered her a pair of red earmuffs designed to go behind the head. They were perfect, and she tossed them into the cart, then grabbed a pair of black ones, for good measure.

They continued through the store until they found the trash bags, Tuck wanted.

“I can see dragging him up, in those,” she frowned, “but what if he has to stay down in the cellar for a day or two? It could take Toni some time to find the right box.”

“We can leave him where he is.”

“No. I mean, I’m not developing any sympathy for him, or anything, but it just seems gross. Knowing that he’s down there, in that condition, and leaving him that way?”

“We kept Gerald in a box,” he pointed out. “And it wasn’t even a cedar box. It was a college kid’s trunk.”

“But, he didn’t die in that box, did he? Noah said, specifically, that he wanted out of the box.”

Something flickered in Tuck’s eyes, but it was gone, before she could analyze what it was.

“What do you suggest, then?”

He was humoring her, but she’d take it. “I suggest we clear off one of the old tables down there, and cover it with something to lay him out on. That way, you could go ahead and break up the trunk, and we could haul out the pieces of that.”

“You’re the most inconveniently decent person I think I’ve ever met,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “All right. We’ll do it your way. Will you be wanting a bolt of fine damask from the fabric department, to cover the table with?”

“Linen will do, or cotton,” she replied, ignoring the snark. “Two and a half yards should more than suffice. Damask…as if they’d even have that, here.”

They were closer to the hardware section, so that was their next stop, for floor lights for the men to work by. Tuck found what he wanted, and added them to the cart.

“I could use another maul, too,” Tuck remarked.

“Maul?”

“You’d probably call it an axe,” he smiled. “I’m not one to split hairs.”

“Or likely to have any success as a comedian. You have a fireplace. How do you split the wood?”

“Oh, I already have a maul, but I could use a new one, and it never hurts to have a spare. Besides, it’ll give Will something else nifty to put in his truck box.”

“I’ll never understand men.”

“If you know that, you’re already halfway there. Lesson one: Tools are always appropriate. There is no such thing as too many tools, nor does it matter if the tool is likely to be used, in the near future. The possibility that it might ever be used, is enough,” Tuck recited, as if from a textbook.

“Got it.” Lisa replied, suppressing a smile.

He dropped a couple of pairs of safety glasses into the cart, and they continued on to the garden department, for the maul.

When Lisa had selected a length of white linen, they were done.

“Why not just a twin flat sheet?” Tuck asked, as they stood in line at the register.

“Tacky,” was her one word reply made with an expression of distaste.

Tuck burst into a laugh, at such a feminine response.

“Well, it is,” Lisa asserted, defensive. “You know it, too, or you wouldn’t be laughing. Its about authenticity. You don’t substitute rayon or poly/cotton blends when what you mean is ‘linen’. It’s that simple.”

“You’re right, and I apologize. It’s just the way you said it—it reminded me of my Mama.” Then, he chuckled some more.

“Tucker George Rawlings—straighten up, or I’ll never take you shopping again.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He subsided, at once. “I can’t believe you just middle-named me. How did you even know what my middle name was, anyway?”

“I have my sources.”