Amateur Hour

It was four-thirty when Tuck, Lisa, and Will rolled up on the rectory, and the light was already beginning to fade from the day.

“I think we should hold off until tomorrow,” Lisa said, gazing at the darkened building.

“I don’t see what difference it makes,” Tuck replied. It’s not like you can’t turn on every light in the house, and we have the work lights, for the cellar. We’re here. We might as well get something accomplished.”

“It’s just… I have an appointment this evening. At eight.”

“Nice of you to let us all know,” Tuck grumbled, irritated.

“It only came up, today. I’m not accustomed to having to justify my every move to anyone, Tuck.”

“We can go in, get the lights set up, take all the tools down, and clear off the tables we want to use,” Will said. “We can easily work for a couple of hours.”

“Let’s go then,” was Tuck’s brusque reply. Damn her, anyway. He never knew what she was going to do, almost until it was done.

You let her get away with it.

It didn’t take too long for them all to suit up. Will had had the admirable foresight to pick up his own gear, this morning, after leaving Ken’s. He was an inch or two taller than Tuck, and a bit bulkier, too. The suit was the right size, but the effect was that he filled it out, more.

“You just need the bunny ears to complete that getup, Jethro,” Tuck grinned. He buckled on his tool belt, and heard the plastic snap of Lisa’s cross body bag as she secured it.

“Figured I’d get those, tomorrow. Or, deely bobbers, maybe.”

“Damn. I forgot the ladder. It’s around the side of the house. Why don’t you see if you can the cover off the hole, while I fetch it, Will.”

Outside, in the cold air, Tuck gave himself a shake, and wondered if Lisa might not be right about waiting until tomorrow. He had recognized Noah’s jibe for what it was, and could feel the ghost’s anger welling up, inside himself.

“You’re not going to drive me, again,” he said aloud. “Not tonight, and not ever.”

The other two were waiting for him, in the bedroom. They were standing unusually close together, and talking in low voices. The conversation broke off, when he entered, lugging the extension ladder.

Nothing odd or suspicious about that…

“Where are the mauls?” Tuck asked, as he extended the ladder to its full twelve feet.

“I went ahead and dropped them down. Seemed safer than trying to climb with ‘em. The bags with the fabric and trash bags, too. Figured we’d have enough to handle with the lights.”

“I hope that’s enough extension cord,” Lisa remarked, nudging the yellow snake on the floor. It was plugged into the outlet nearest the cellar opening and disappeared into the darkness.

“It’s plenty,” Tuck replied.

“I’ll go first,” Will volunteered. “You can drop the lights down to me.” He mounted the ladder and disappeared into the maw of the cellar, before anyone could object.

When they were all down, the men set up the lights while Lisa set to work clearing the tables. Tuck had wanted both—one for the bones, and the second one for the artifacts.

The amount of light put off by the work lamps was startling. Almost half the cellar was illuminated in a bright, white glow that was downright harsh, in the area around the chest. The two men picked up the chest at either end, bringing it into the brightest area.

Lisa began to drag a table over.

“Hold your horses,” Tuck advised. “We’ll get those, in a second.” He sounded a bit peevish, to his own ears, and that irritated him more. He was further annoyed, when she ignored him. The sound of the table legs on the floor hurt his ears, as she dragged it closer.

“Stop it!” he commanded when he could set his end of the chest down.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Her tone was quiet, and forbidding.

“Someone needs to.”

“Both of you, stop it, or I’ll make you stand in separate corners.” Will’s tone was mild, level, and almost desperately reasonable. He walked calmly over to the remaining table and lifted it with ease, placing it next to the one Lisa had brought.

“Thanks, Will.” Lisa squeezed his arm lightly.

“Any time.”

“Put one of those trash bags over the far table, Lisa. Something to set all the odds and ends on,” Tuck ordered.

Without comment, she pulled one of the heavy black bags off the roll, ripped it at the perforation, and draped it over the table.

“Fair warning; this isn’t going to be pretty,” he told Will, before opening the chest.

Will stared into it, for a moment. “Where do we start?” he asked.

“With the skull, I guess. After that, each thing as it comes to the surface.”

“Should I get pictures?” Lisa asked. “You might want to remember the body in situ, and you won’t have time to examine everything down here, tonight.”

“That’s a very good idea, Darlin’,” Tuck said, sounding like himself, for the first time since they had gotten here. “That’ll be a big help.”

Lisa took three initial photographs, trying not to see too much, as she did so. After she checked her camera roll, to make sure they had all been clear shots, she stepped back, and let the men get to work. Tuck was the first to dive in, of course, to retrieve the skull from the bottom of the chest, along with the lower jaw and several of the vertebrae that had fallen loose, with it.

She dodged out of his way as he moved to the table she had covered with the piece of linen. He seemed not to see her, so focused was he on placing them. Will, meanwhile, gathered the pieces of rope, and the candle stub, carrying them to the other table.

Lisa stationed herself on the other side of that one, to get more thorough pictures of each item, as it appeared. The candle had melted in a bizarre way; Will had had to place the remnant on its side, as the wax had melted in a curve, presumably around the hand of the man when it had still had flesh on it. Evidently, Noah hadn’t rated a candlestick.

Had Noah asphyxiated sooner, due to the amount of air that would have been consumed by the flame? Not a cheerful thought. One of the loops of rope was indeed frayed and broken. The other was still intact. She wondered briefly why he hadn’t freed his feet as well as his hands.

A gold wedding band made an appearance, next. Lisa was loath to handle it, but she did anyway, looking for any inscription that might be on the inside. There was none, but she felt for Beatrice, who had been obliged to put it on his finger. It was a large ring. Noah had had big hands.

An occasional glance at the table to her left showed the smaller bones piling up, close to the edges. Tuck had little room for actually laying them out, but he was orderly about his work, showing a kind of care that bordering on maudlin. She didn’t like it. He’d been ready to grind these bones into powder, just days ago. She also didn’t care for the way he would occasionally give his head a sharp shake, as if to ward off an insect.

Will, on the other hand, was quiet and steady, offering her the occasional reassuring look, and soft word of encouragement. Every time he opened his mouth to speak to her, Tuck’s head would turn a little too sharply, to look at them. After one such instance, Lisa unzipped the cross body bag, when his back was turned.

Tuck’s silence did nothing to dispel the tension that was growing in the cellar. Nor did his mumbling, as he unbuttoned Noah’s jacket, vest, and shirt buttons. Even Will kept his distance, standing nearer to Lisa than to his father-in-law.

Lisa could see little of Will’s face, obscured by the mask, but she could see that his posture had altered. The younger man was still loose, but on high alert. They watched together as Tuck drew a wallet from one pocket, a coin purse from another, a few envelopes from an inner jacket pocket, a bone-handled pocket knife, from an outer pocket, and other odds and ends. When he was finished, Will stepped forward to collect them.

Lisa took her pictures, less interested in them than ever. She didn’t want to touch the wallet, but she forced herself to open it, and extract the currency, to document that, too. When she looked up, she saw that Tuck was eyeing her with pure malice.

“Don’t be getting any ideas now, my dear,” he joked.

Lisa’s heart nearly stopped at hearing that exaggerated drawl again.

“Little help here?” he turned to Will, gesturing toward the torso of the skeleton, which was beginning to sag dangerously, without the fasteners of the clothing to hold it together. “No, not that way,” he rapped, when Will reached for the bottom of the suit jacket. “Take a side, and keep the arm close to the body. Keep it level, and don’t drop anything.”

Together they lifted their bundle with half of Noah’s remains in it, and carried it to the table.

“Right in the center, where it’s clear,” Tuck directed, lifting his side awkwardly, because there was no skirting the table and keeping his half flat and level.

It was inevitable that one or more of the small bones around the edges would be knocked onto the floor. Lisa saw it coming before it happened, but the small clatter made her jump, nonetheless.

“You Goddamned fool!” Tuck spat at Will.

He dropped his side of the jacket angrily, and was advancing on his son-in-law, when Lisa tightened her grasp on the cylinder in her bag and drew it out.

“Noah!” she roared, as loudly as the respirator would permit.

Tuck wheeled to face her, and caught a faceful of pepper spray, at point blank range. He howled in pain, and made the mistake of ripping off his mask, to get at his eyes. Lisa followed up her first shot with a second, which sent him reeling back, coughing and gagging. He staggered into the table, knocking still more bones from it, including the skull, which fell to the floor with a sickening clack.

Will, too, had caught a bit of the spray, though Tuck’s body had shielded him from most of it. He was coughing, a bit, and swiping at his left cheek.

The cylinder dropped from Lisa’s hand bouncing with a metallic clang against the floor. She stepped toward Tuck, but he peeled one hand away from his face, to ward her off.

“Don’t.” He coughed some more, beginning to drool. “It’ll… burn you…too. Milk?”

Lisa was confused.

“It’ll neutralize the pepper,” Will explained. “Can you climb the ladder, Pa?”

“Give me a minute,” Tuck said. He spat a couple of times, on the floor. “Sorry, honey,” he apologized to Lisa. “I’ll clean that up. Shit—that burns!”

“Works like a charm, though,” Will laughed.

“It’s not funny,” Lisa snapped.

“Yeah, it is,” Tuck contradicted, laughing, coughing and groaning. He peered at her through red, streaming eyes. “Noah felt that, darlin’. You caught him…” he paused to cough some more, “completely off guard! Ah—God! I’d give my right arm for something to wipe this stuff off, right now.”

Will pulled back his hood, unzipped his suit and tore at his shirt snaps. “Here—“ He thrust it into Tuck’s hands. “Try to wipe, without rubbing, too much.”

“I’ll get the milk—“ Lisa began.

“No, better to take him up to it. We can douse him with it, over the kitchen sink.”

“How can he climb, if he can’t see?” she demanded.

“I can climb. You may have to lead me to the ladder, but I can climb it. Grab my mask, Will. The filters are shot, but they can be replaced.”

“I shouldn’t have sprayed you twice.”

“The hell you shouldn’t have. Noah was still hanging around, after the first shot. You go up first, and get the milk. Will can lead me to the kitchen.”

There was still most of a gallon left in the jug, and for a wonder, it hadn’t had time to sour in the fridge. Lisa was surprised when Will led Tuck to the sink, stuck his head under the faucet, and drenched each side of his face with cold running water, first, then lightly washed his face with dish soap.

This was a noisy process, as it reactivated the pepper to a degree, and wrenched more sounds of pain out of Tuck, along with a few vulgarities. The milk did seem to provide some relief, however.

“Is he going to blister? His skin is so red.”

“That tough hide?” Will scoffed. “No way. Better, Pa?”

“Much, thank you.” Tuck’s nose was still runny, and his eyes looked like he had just escaped a fire.

“We should get you to an emergency clinic, or something,” Lisa said.

“No. I’m not allergic, and they have everything I need at the little store, to take care of myself. It’s already eased off, a lot. Good thing I was covered in Tyvek, and it didn’t get on my clothes. Better bag that shirt of yours, Will. Then, we can get the hell out of here.”

Once in the truck, seated between the two men, Lisa asked, “What do you need at the store that you don’t have at the house?”

“Nothing, but I’m not letting Toni see me like this. Will can tell her, but I don’t want to be the object of more feminine distress,” he smiled at her. “We’ll get some Benadryl, aspirin, and some baby shampoo. You can drive us back to the motel, and get ready for your appointment, while I clean up and doctor myself. We’ll have time to order something to eat, before you go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Lisa said.

“You might as well,” Will snorted a laugh. “When Pa takes Benadryl, he’s out like a light.”

“Will’s right. I don’t need you to sit and watch me snore until it’s your own bedtime.” He took possession of her right hand and held it.

“We could hit a fast food place, on the way to the motel,” Lisa suggested.

“That’s fine, too. I’m not picky. I just want to finish washing off.”

He looked and sounded tired, but the good spirits were real enough. Tuck was, at least for now, himself again.

*****************************

It was only six thirty, when they got into Lisa’s car, and left Tuck’s house, so they decided that Lisa would make a food run, while Tuck took a shower.

When she got back and used his key to enter his room, the coffee pot was already full, and he was sitting on the end of his bed, half-dressed and toweling his hair.

“Exhibitionist,” Lisa accused, staring pointedly at his bare feet. She set the food bags down on the table, and began pulling out cartons of food.

Tuck grinned at her, and pulled on his shirt. “My toes in my room,” he retorted. “That smells pretty good. I can’t remember the last time I ate Chinese food.”

“According to most Chinese people, you never have.”

“Cantankerous woman.” He opened up the mini fridge and brought out two cans of ginger ale.

They sat down on either side of the round table and proceeded to make their plates.

“I’m not cantankerous.”

“You are. You have been, since you zapped Noah, down in the cellar. You did exactly what I told you to do, when I gave you the spray, so, lighten up.”

“I hate that I hurt you. Is that wrong?”

“Collateral damage,” he shrugged. “I’m impressed, actually. I couldn’t imagine what you might have, in that bag of yours, but I had no idea that you were literally packing heat, down there. It didn’t cross my mind that you’d bother, since Will would be there, too. Good, for you. Well done. Eat your fried rice.”

“I don’t think you should go back there.”

“We’re nearly done, getting him out of the box.”

“I don’t think you need to be down there, with your hands on a maul.”

Tuck paused, in his chewing. He finished, then swallowed.

“Maybe not,” he admitted. “Probably not.”

The silence spun out, and he didn’t seem very happy.

“So much for my notions of myself as rescuer and protector,” he said, at last.

“It’s not you, Deputy. It’s him. You know that, right?”

“I do. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating.”

“I can imagine. But, I think Will and I can handle the rest of it. Besides, Beatrice’s grave still needs to be found, and a hole dug, to put the asshole in.”

“True. I can handle those things, and if I’m babysitting Noah, he won’t be in your hair.”

When they finished their meal he asked, “Can you stay for a cup of coffee, or do you have to rush to get ready for your appointment?”

“I can stay for a cup.” She would have done almost anything to cheer him up, even miss her class.

Tuck got up to get it, for them.

“You brought some real cups,” she exclaimed, when he turned back to the table with them.

“The paper ones are too small, and I hate ‘em,” he smiled. “Am I allowed to ask about this appointment of yours?” He settled himself back down in his chair, and broke out his aspirin and Benadryl.

“It’s a class, really. Kind of a combination Bible study and history thing.”

“That’s a relief. I thought Mandy had something going on at the Silver Chalice,” he chuckled.

“No…though I wouldn’t mind taking one of her classes on herbals.”

“I was kidding, of course. You should pursue anything that interests you. I’m sorry I was nasty about it, this afternoon.”

“Forgiven and forgotten. That wasn’t you, anyway. You sure the coffee won’t counteract the Benadryl?”

“Not for what I want it for—the skin irritation. And, see–” he held out his palm to show her the aspirin, “only two. I’ll be right as rain, by the time you get back.”

“I didn’t plan to disturb you.”

“Please, disturb me. I always enjoy your company.”

******************************

Tuck watched as Lisa emerged from the stairwell, got into her car, and drove off.

“Marooned,” he muttered, then shook his head at himself with a mocking smile. He let the curtain fall and turned away from the window, with a sigh. Why had she been so sketchy about where she was going? Sketchy was the perfect way to describe it—she hadn’t lied to him, he sensed that. But, she hadn’t given him the full truth. Just a sketch…

Something to do with that young man, I suppose.

“Shut up, Noah.” But, was he wrong? What had the looks and murmured conversation been about?

I’m sure they’re just discussing your next birthday party. How old will you be again?

“Shut the fuck up!” he scowled.

Very coarse language, from a member of true Lovejoy stock.

“What color was jealousy, when you were alive? Green? Orange? Yellow, maybe? No, wait–yellow is for cowards, am I right, Noah? Tell me some tales of your exploits in the Home Guard.”

The stitches in his cheek began to itch, in reaction to his annoyance. Tuck reached up to chafe at them, then found the Benadryl and popped another. The bastard had him talking to himself. His last verbal salvo seemed to have knocked Noah back somewhat, however.

He found his laptop and sat on his bed, feet up. Turning on the TV for background noise, he next opened the computer and pulled up a couple of sites that sold CCTV equipment. He’d let Toni decide on the computer and monitor setup, for the cameras. It was more her province, anyway.

Maybe he should call her, to make sure she had his credit card number. She does, he told himself, and you know it. She doesn’t order loads of hay and sawdust, on her own card.

*******************************

“Hi, Dad. What’s up?”

“Hi, honey. I just wondered if you’d found any computer equipment that you like, yet.”

“I did, just after dinner, and I ordered it. You told me to, this afternoon.” She sounded puzzled.

“Right, right. I couldn’t remember if I had, or not.”

“We were both a little distracted by Lisa buzzing around the house, I guess,” Toni chuckled. “I’m glad she’s getting comfortable, finally.”

“Yeah. You used my card, right?”

“Yes, Dad. You told me to do that, too. Is everything all right?”

“It’s antihistamine fog, probably.”

“Will told me what happened.” Her tone became more serious. “Daddy, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, honey. Just fine. Doesn’t even sting, anymore.”

“Did she really have to—“

“Yes. Absolutely. I wasn’t—that is Noah wasn’t even going for her. He was getting ready to clobber Will. Lisa intervened.”

“Well, that’s what Will said. So, it’s either true, or you got your stories straight.”

Tuck laughed. “Spoken like a Deputy’s daughter. Where is Will? Tucking in the horses?”

“He did that, right after you left. I don’t know where he is, right now. He took the car to town, about ten minutes ago. Off doing ‘Will things’, I guess.”

“He just stranded you?”

“I can drive the truck, Dad. I have my own set of keys to it. Maybe you should sleep off a little of your antihistamine.”

“Did he say when he’d be back?”

“An hour, hour and a half. I think I can survive that long, on my own. In fact, I’ve heard that chocolate marshmallow ice cream whispering to me, since I finished the dishes.”

“You could use the calcium, I guess,” Tuck infused his voice with a smile he didn’t feel.

“Exactly what I’m telling myself.”

“I’ll let you get to it, then. Love you, honey.”

“Love you, too, Dad. Get some rest.”

When the call ended, Tuck pondered the information he had just gleaned. It was no coincidence, but what did it mean?

I have no idea. Does Will need extra Bible classes?

He didn’t. No, he didn’t, and apparently he hadn’t offered that, or any other excuse for his trip into town. Toni was so damned trusting.

Maybe he’s not at the top of her list, these days. Maybe he knows that. I know when Beatrice was with child, I nearly ceased to exist.

“Wish I knew Beatrice’s secret,” Tuck muttered dryly. “I’d eat ten day-old roadkill right now, if it would shut you up.”

Shall I tell you? Do you want to know? Beatrice was full of secrets. Shall I tell you the one that cost her her life?

“As I’ve said, I don’t care about anything you have, to say.”

You might. You just might, Tucker. The secret that cost Beatrice her life was that her children weren’t mine. They were Gerry’s.

Tuck gasped softly, his whole body tensing.

Women aren’t to be trusted.

Noah’s voice in his head spoke with feigned regret.

That watch fob you gave to your woman? The one with a lock of Beatrice’s own lovely hair? That was a present to Gerry, after the birth of their first son. They celebrated that anniversary, every year. Hence, the second son.

Noah’s mocking amusement was palpable. Tuck felt a sudden loathing, for the voice in his head.

And now here you sit, alone, without any idea of where your woman is. At least you know whom she’s with, though…

“He’s at least ten years her junior. I doubt—“

Of course, you’re right. Such things never happen. Besides, your Lisa is a cool specimen. Apparently, she hasn’t Beatrice’s…appetites.

Noah departed after that volley. Tuck could feel him settle, into the pit of his stomach, as if he’d swallowed a small caliber cannonball. He drew several deep breaths, releasing them slowly.

The taunts were just so much bullshit, of course. They were designed to make him feel angry, doubtful, and helpless. He had to hand it to Noah—the guy was a veritable king of snark. Tuck refused to give him the satisfaction of controlling his actions without a hard takeover, however, such as had happened in the cellar, today.

Lisa was right. He didn’t belong anywhere near the place, until Noah was dislodged and a thing of the past. Further, Tuck had to hang onto him, himself, to keep Will from being affected. His own hands on a weapon like a maul would be bad. In Will’s hands, under Noah’s influence, it would be catastrophic.

He was tired. It had been a long day, and the Benadryl was starting to kick his ass. A short nap before Lisa got back was definitely in order. He set aside his laptop and stretched out.

She had his extra card key. He hoped he’d wake up, when she used it. It would be like her to peep in on him, and leave. That was her intent, he was sure…